Sunday, October 25, 2009

The ballad of Foley Madoff

I was studying the gift application tab that mysteriously appeared on all our pages a couple of weeks ago. When I first saw it I did not like it at all. I thought the gift purchasing brought a great deal of unrest to Doggyspace, and I do not want unrest here. I have a great deal of faith in my fellow pups here on TB, and you confirmed what I believed, that none of you welcomed the gift app on your pages either. So today, I went to delete if from our pagers when I saw: “Virtual Gift Incentive Program.”

I excitedly clicked this and it explained how Pocket and I, as administrators of our site, if we encouraged the lot of you to buy gifts, then we would get half the profits. HOWL! Suckers! Who has a birthday coming up? Ruby? OK everyone, you need to send Ruby a very expensive gift to how much YOU love Ruby.

And then when we find out one of the members sent her one of those freaking free gifts (I mean thanks, instead of getting half of 75 I get half of nothing) we have to send a message to Ruby stating that those members, just don’t love her like the other members.

In a few brief days resentment, animosity, and jealousy should take route. A great debate will rage about if we need the gifts, feelings will be hurt, and some members will leave. Then one of our “nosy” friends will uncover that we have been profiting from all this friction and write an inflammatory blog, which we will respond to in a brief, curt, misspelled post, including with the words, “Thread closed.”

But then great suspicion will be cast on Pocket and me, and she will roll over like a dog starving for Hemee like reality show fame submits to Cesar Milan, telling everyone that I have been making money off of this, and the entire Brigade will turn on me.

Then everyone will rise up and say: “We want our money back!” and I’ll say “Well guess what? I ain’t got it! I spent it all on fancy kibble and revisions to the kitty condo.” Then Morgan will come for me, and I’ll be led off with little handcuffs on my paws, and I’ll be brought into the courthouse with a Tanner Brigade bandana covering my face. I’ll get sentenced by Zoe Boe to do community service and my afternoons, which should be spent in the sunny spot on the landing, will be spent being touched and prodded and pet and kissed by old people at the retirement community and over medicated children at the county day care. Meanwhile Pocket won’t be able to manage the Brigade. She can’t manage anything. So the Brigade will fold, but Zoe Boe will still say that I need to pay the money back. So I’ll have to go to the White House, again, and have kibble with the President, again, and hopefully get a bailout so I can pay everyone back. Then, after getting my bailout and paying everyone back I clearly deserve a bonus and I give myself one and then the whole hoopla starts all over again.

So I’m deleting the gifts, so we don’t turn friend against friends, so there is no jealously, so our friends don’t leave, so I don’t mislead you, so I don’t collect the money then spend it, so Pocket doesn’t blow the whistle on me, so I don’t go to prison and get turned out as someone’s bitch, so I don’t get my bonus, and because Mommy is making me.

Because the best gift any on us can give one another is simply our friendship. And that, as always, will be free.

And don’t forget, on Ruby’s birthday, to send her the gift of friendship.

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