Monday, October 12, 2009

Foley reacts to losing the Nobel Peace Prize

Unlike the President of these United States I awoke early Thursday morning to receive my expected Nobel Peace Prize. Instead of hearing five elderly Norwegians butcher the name Foley Monster I heard them clearly annunciate Barak Obama.

Barak Obama? Are you kidding me? He couldn’t even settle the dispute between the kitty I nipped and me. Now look at my accomplishments:

With my good friend Tanner Bub I founded the Tanner Brigade, a safe haven for dogs to voice their own opinion and not be scared off by mean dogs. It is by invitation only and I have to approve each member. It is a very peaceful spot. The President, in January, held what he called an Inauguration where millions of loud people stood out in the cold, and they didn’t have to get invited. Who is promoting peace here….Hmmm?

I, as Commander and Chief of the Tanner Brigade, led a daring raid into the Princess’ castle and pasted Tanner’s picture everywhere, in tribute to the world’s best Yellow Lab on the night he went to the bridge, and then we successfully slipped out without getting caught. The President? We’re still in Iraq, we’re still in Afghanistan, and we’re even still in Germany.

I exposed Princess as a ruler on paper only and led to her downfall and removal from power. The President? Osama Bin Laden could be hiding at the bottom of the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese during his daughter’s birthday party and he still couldn’t find him.

I wrote one of the most popular musicals on Dogway, “My Fair Princess,” and also led the movement to change the term of female dogs from the evil bitches to the much nicer lollipops. Along with my fellow Tanner Brigade friends I wrote the Declaration of Dogpendence installing equal rights for all dogs. While the President has backpedaled on his promise to end “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” I have encouraged all dogs to tell us as much as possible no matter how embarrassing or disgusting.

I do think if the award had been given a couple of months earlier I would have won easily. There have been some issues I have dealt with recently: My interrupting of Sandy at the Video Puppy Awards; my brief stay in re-hab; the entire incident with the neighborhood cat who I nipped (and may I remind you I have kept quiet about it per the wishes of Mr. Nobel Prize Winning President), not to mention my recent apology for sitting on the laps of, and humping the wrists of Tanner Brigade staffers.

But my latest questionable deeds aside, I still believe I should have received the award and know you agree. I have seen the list of winners and none of them are without sin. Then again Ghandi didn’t win either. I think we have a lot in common. We don’t believe in fighting, we like wrapping ourselves up in sheets, we have a little sister who inappropriately peed (it’s in Wikipedia); Ghandi interrupted Halle Salase at the Best Swarthy Leader contest saying Benito Mussolini was the swarthiest leader of all time; I’m fairly certain he humped a wrist or two.

So President Obama can have your award, I’ll take my jumping, interrupting, sheet loving resemblance to Ghandi anyday.

Plus I invented the Foley-tini and that should count for something.

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