Tuesday, May 25, 2010

My name is Vincent and I am Lost

Hi. I want to thank Foley Monster for letting me use her blog. My name is Vincent. A few years ago I lived in Australia with this young boy named Walt and his father, who was that guy in the wheelchair on OZ, and was kind of a dick with Walt. Then something sad happened to Walt's Mom and his father wanted to take him to America.

So they put me in a crate and I got loaded in with the baggage on Oceanic Flight 816. Have any of you ever been in the baggage compartment of a plane? It's cold, it's dark, it's loud. Oh, and then the plane crashes.

Now that was some messed up Vick. I was trying to sleep despite the noise and cold and then wham we were headed down. My crate crashed into this giant foot on she shore (I can't make this up) and shattered and then I went running to try and find my boy.

I came upon this guy lying on the ground. I looked around, saw the plane, people being sucked into the engine, and I figured this dark haired loser could help. So I licked and barked until he woke up. Well, what a mistake that was. He started running around, bossing people around, and I decided to go explore until the humans stopped causing so much trouble

Well the first friend I made was this wonderful polar bear. We ran through the jungle together, played in the lake, cuddled with one another. Then one of those stupid humans showed up and shot him. Man. These people were so annoying.

Then I found my other friend. The smoke monster. This thing was so much fun. We would chase each other around the island, he would pick me up and carry me around, I would nip at his smoky tail. I spent most of my best times on that island with smoky. Of course he would smash the occasional guy against the rocks, but no one is perfect.

He led me to this wonderful village where these great guys lived. They had this Dharma dog food that was a little bland but still good. One of them fed me ice cream. I adored them. I decided I was going to go back to the beach, find my boy, and take him to these people.

I got there and his dick of a Dad is taking my boy away and the guy who stole all the milk bones on a raft. I frantically paddled out for them to come back barking, not because I wanted to go, but because I was trying to tell the stupid bastards that back at the village they had speed boats and submarines, so going out into the sea on a raft was just rash. No one understood me except for the Korean guy but he couldn't bark English. Finally I gave up, went back to the beach, and stood next to my new Mom Shannon.

She was OK even though she was hanging out with that creepy Iranian guy (um people, mysterious plane crash, Iranian guy, I'm not racial profiling but I'm sure that's the conclusion they jumped to on the news) but then she got shot by some Mexican chick without her proper papers so I immediately joined that Facebook group that supports that Arizona law. Hey, don't judge me, the bitch shot my Mom!

Well, I was done with these airplane people. They spent all this time trying to figure stuff out, over analyzing things, not just lying in the sun and enjoying life. I went to play with the smoke monster, then went back to the village and there was my boy.

Of all the time we spent on the island this was my favorite. My boy and I played all over the island, went swimming, we had a wonderful time. But then one day Daddy Dick shows up. He makes a deal to get us off the island, and while I would miss everyone it would be nice to get home. Now the good news is he shot the Mexican immigrant. But the bad news is when he any my boy took off I was playing with smokey and missed the boat. Plus he stuck us with the angry freckled lady, the dumb doctor, the Milk Bone stealer, and the fat guy who wouldn't share the bacon. Then they started weird polar bear cage sex and they had ruined my favorite village too, so I went out wandering.

I finally ended up with Rose, this wonderful black woman, and Bernard, her white dentist husband, and we built a shelter and I became their dog, sitting on our overlook on the beach, watching the humans trying to figure things out and just making them more confusing.

Other people came to the island, which is what we needed, more humans, God. And not one of them had a dog, not even a damn house cat, nothing. They came on this helicopter from this freighter without a single dog treat. And you know the humans, having to shoot at one another and getting so dramatic. Really. Then the freighter blew up, like we didn't see that coming. Then finally the annoying doctor and a some others finally left.

Then, I don't know, there was a loud sound that hurt my ears, and there was a bright light, and where I just peed, didn't smell like me any more. The bones I buried? (Yes they were humanb ut what did I care?) One day they would be there. The next not. It was so frustrating. Plus Mama Rose and Daddy Bernard began walking around without their tops on. Believe me that image is burned in my memory.

Then those foolish humans did something, I don't know what, and we got knocked back to where everything is familiar, except the bald guy who smelled like Ben Gay was now the smoke monster and he didn't have time to play with me. Typical. He wanted to play with the humans and leave the island. Fine with me. Like most American tourists they had ruined the place anyway. Just as long as they left me, Mommy Rose and Daddy Bernard alone. But then Daddy found the Scottish guy down the well.

I wanted to leave him there. There is nothing worse than a Scottish guy down a well. But Daddy needed to save him. So just when we thought we were out they sucked us back in. The bald guy came for the Scottish guy, Old Smokey threatened Mommy Rose, Scottish guy left, he got thrown down another well, the island began to fall apart, and we decided to go back inside our bamboo shelter because we figured however this thing turned out, it would be a big letdown, and we watched the Celebrity Apprentice. Two paws up to Brett.

I'm not sure what happened next, I know a plane left the island with some annoying people, and that Doctor guy I found a few years back was lying in the same field of bamboo. I laid down next to him. Just to watch him die.

Things weren't too bad after that. The fat guy seemed to be in charge and he gave me lots of dog food. The buggy eyed guy who played with me in the village was there too. We lived really good for a long time, then the fat dude told us it was time for our souls to pass over and we would all meet in a church. Then he looked down at me and said "Sorry dude, no dogs allowed."

No dogs allowed! I was on the damn flight! I woke the Doctor up to help him save those people. And I don't get to go. Except for Mommy Rose and Daddy Bernard I hated every one of those people. They crash landed on a desert island with a village, food, medicine, and all they wanted to do was get home. Whiny bunch of slope noses. I gave Mommy Rose and Daddy Bernard big puppy licks when they led me over the Bridge, and they promised they'd come back and spend time with me soon.

But from my spot at Rainbow Bridge I got to watch their lame reunion in the church and guess who wasn't there, my boy, his Dad, and that other black guy who original smokey smashed on the rocks. Seems like in this island heaven the only way black people were let in is if they were married to some white dentist. It's like that old Richard Pryor joke about the move Logan's Run: He said "I saw this movie about the future called Logan's Run and there weren't any (black people) in it. Guess you're all not planning on having us around."

So now I'm at the bridge, so is my boy, Mommy Rose and Daddy Bernard, and even that smoke monster and polar bear come by sometimes. We have a great time. I love it up here. Not that I didn't like my time on Earth but take the advice from a dog who has seen more than his share: You do not want to become Lost with humans.

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