Wednesday, September 19, 2012

From the Files of Foley Monster: Attorney At Paw. The Case of Arnie, the Spontaneously Cash Pooping Beagle

I need to apologize to my many Florida friends.  Yesterday I downloaded myself there for a quick court appearance to defend one of our brethren.  Because of a pressing engagements at home, supervising gardening and keeping Mommy’s lap warm during the post gardening nap, I was unable to visit you.  Hopefully next time I am in town I will bark by.
This was my client.  
His name is Arnie.  He is a 10 year old beagle from Clearwater Florida.  He was accused of eating $275.00 of his parents cash.  When I was contacted I knew it would be a difficult case, his guilt looked assured when he pooped out the bills, torn in half and chewed up.  But I bark for the barkless so I downloaded myself to his home, where he was inside a crate, under house arrest.

When I scratched at the door his parents were reluctant to let me talk to their client, as is true with most parents who think they have a perp pup.  But I had a signed order from Judge Puggle allowing me access to all accused pups.  They reviewed the paperwork, contacted their human lawyer, and I was allowed inside.
I sat down outside Arnie’s crate.  I nosed open my briefcase.  I told him that the facts looked incriminating but we were going to work very hard to prove his innocence.   I then repeated the lawyer credo for him.  Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.  

I asked him if there was anything that might make the case worse and he said no in the slow drawl that southern beagles bark in.  I said this was good.  I then went over the case of the missing $275.00.  He said it was in his Mommy’s purse and while she was sleeping he had nosed it open, pulled out a number of bills and ate them.  When I asked him why he said he needed change for the soda machine.  I buried my face in my paws .
I got some other pertinent information.  The incident happened at night.  His Mom worked, came home late, and was tired.  She had left the bag open so the money was readily accessible.  I quickly came up with my defense.  His Mommy, in her tired state, had put her purse on the dinner table.  It got tipped over, the money spilled out of the bag, on to the table, where it was caught by the air conditioner and the fan, lifted off the table, and into Arnie’s food dish, which he, also tired, then ate without realizing there was money in it.   Since the family had recovered the Vick covered money, had taken pictures of it, then taken it to Florida’s most unlucky bank teller, who had not only given them Vick free money, but was on the witness list to testify against Arnie.  There was no way I could create reasonable doubt that the money was not eaten, but I could create doubt that it was Arnie’s fault.

Justice in the animal world is fast and we got a trial before Judge Grey Hound later that day.  The prosecution went first and they showed pictures of the Vick covered poo and the statement from the teller.  The parents testified that they had last seen the money in the Mom’s purse before she went to bed.  Then the Prosecuting Attorney asked if Arnie had any priors.

“Yes,” his mother said.  “Seven years ago he ate $100.00.”

I was stunned to hear this.  Arnie had said he had no priors.  I asked him why he didn’t tell me about the $100.00.  “I forget,” he said.

I jumped up on my paws and asked for an hour break so I could prepare myself after hearing the new testimony.  We walked into a secure room in the courthouse and I called Pocket.  I told her what I needed for her to do.  She protested because she is an honest dog but, after several minutes,  because she is a great sister, she agreed.  She also is afraid I will nip her in her sleep.

Pocket showed up a half hour later with $100.00 from Mommy’s purse.  I pawed it to Arnie and told him to eat it. He said he wasn’t hungry.  I told him he could go to the pound if he didn’t eat but he still refused.  Pocket and I then had to do the Mom feeding dog a pill move with Pocket holding open Arnie’s mouth and me stuffing money down it.   Then Pocket gave me the second item I requested.  A box of ex-lax.  We didn’t have time for Arnie to digest the food naturally.  He needed a little help.

Arnie snorted and spit then recovered.  He was very angry with me.  I told him it was for the best.  I then sent Pocket back home and made Arnie promise that, even though he had a swear on the Barkble, he would not say that we had fed him money and ex-lax.  Knowing it was the only way he could stay out of the pound he agreed.

When we went back to court it was Arnie’s time to testify.  He swore on the Barkble but he crossed his paws behind him.  I assured him that this would cover him when he met his creator at the Bridge.  I began to slowly ask him questions as I waited for nature to take it’s course.  

First there was the gas passing which made the court go quiet except for the gagging.  Then the first ffffuuuuuufffuuuuuttt sound, followed by bills spraying out of Arnie’s butt.  A few seconds later more bills came out, then more bills.  The smell was horrendous but the humans in the room flocked to the money.  Humans and money are worse than dogs and balls, they chase it beyond the point of exhaustion and don’t care what it is covered with.

During the commotion I turned to my witness.  “Arnie!,” I asked.  “Have you eaten any money in the last day?”

“No,” Arnie said blushing as much as a beagle can blush.  It was clear he was lying but the humans were concentrating on the money.  “Your honor!” I shouted, “it is clear that what we have here is Florida’s first spontaneously cash pooping beagle.  I move that all charges be waived.”

The judge, climbing back to the bench, banged his gavel and announced all charges against Arnie were dismissed.  When I got Arnie out of the courtroom I assured him that he would be forgiven by the Bridge Angels for his little white lie.  I then contacted my Florida friend Hobo on my I-Phone and, knowing he knows a good business opportunity when he sees one, told him what happened.

Now you can see Arnie, the incredible money pooping dog, at county fairs across the southeast.  Hobo’s plan is brilliant in it’s simplicity.  He charges the human rubes $10.00, feeds the Ex-Lax and half the money to Arnie.  The money comes flying out, and the rubes collect it, even if it is half the amount they paid to get in.  Then Hobo, the brilliant businessman, uses the Hobo Hudson money laundering firm, to give them clean money, taking another ten percent, 25% of which he gives to Arnie.  Hobo is looking to expand the operation so if any of you would like to be a spontaneously pooping dog contact me and we will put your on tour.

As for me I returned home for lap time and garden supervision.  A Yorkie lawyer triumphant.


  1. Wow what a case and what legal prowess you have. We are so impressed with your argument we think you should be paid handsomely for all your efforts. If I need legal representation which I know where to go. Have a terrific Thursday.
    Best wishes Molly

  2.'re fang-tastic! Me says:


  3. Wow - I've never heard such a defense before!! I would have gone with the simple - it's up to the humans to move any temptation defense - but you have an awesome imagination buddy!!

    So happy he got off!!

    I hope you're having a fun day,

    Your pal Snoopy :)