As many of you know I have struggled most of my life with housebreaking. I blame it on a small bladder and weak muscles. Foley would give me a look of disgust and mutter about how unprofessional I was whenever I leaked on the carpet. She took great pride in peeing outside, even in the worse weather, unless someone pissed her off, then she pissed on.
When River arrived she came with a fresh set of pee pads, having been trained to pee in the house, which seemed silly to me, because peeing in the house came naturally to me, no training required. But the key was peeing on those two little pads in the hallway, and when I tried, I was like 5 0’clock Charlie, off by more than a lot.
I am a follower by nature, as long as the following occurs in doors While I was not very good at following Foley outside to pee, I am very good at following River inside to pee, except while she pees on the pads, I am peeing on the floor. (In my defense River is not very good at sharing the pee pads, she tends to take up the entire square. She can’t spare a square, she doesn’t have a square to spare.)
I am trying very hard to get things right. But I do get confused easily. When I make boom booms in the house I do them on the pads and think I did good, but I am told that is bad (but could be worse.) When I don’t make pee pees on the pads I get in trouble. I think it would be better if we came up with better words for these bodily functions, perhaps short, four letter ones, I could keep them straight.
I like to pee under the kitchen table. I can hide when I do it, and I alway hope that no one will find it, even though someone always finds it. Daddy says if they put a pee pad under the table then I would pee on the pad, but Mommy disagrees, I am afraid she is right.
So I make up my mind that I am only going to pee on the ground. Then comes a cold or wet day and Daddy has me on the porch trying to make me pee on those two little pads which makes me nervous, especially if River has already peed on it. It’s not nice to pee on someone else’s pee.
Now I am living in the Bizarro world. When the weather is bad I am brought out on the porch, leashed up, and, instead of being taken outside, I am brought over to the pads, on the floor, where I am not supposed to pee, and I am told to pee, which I would do, if I wasn’t on a leash and Daddy wasn’t looking at me. It’s like robbing a bank in front of the guard. It goes against the natural world.
We had a big snowstorm recently, and, with much prodding, each time I needed t pee, I went on the porch and peed on the pads. My feet may not touch blessed Earth until spring.
Foley came to me in a dream and told me it was ironic, I could pee on two pads but not on the entire Earth.
She might be right. Won’t be able to tell until Spring. And when I find out what ironic means.