Pocket and River Song Meet the Candy Man

River and I, as usual, were left alone on Saturday as my parents shopped and dined.   We both fell into an uneasy sleep.
We were awoken by tapping on the entry door.  River jumped up and ran towards the sound. Suddenly, a yellow lab, wearing a top hat and a smock walked right through the closed door.  He dragged what looked like an ice cream cart behind him. He let go of the cart and began to sing.

"Who can take some chicken?
Grind it up fine
Mix it up with other foods and a touch of equine
The kibble man can!
The kibble man can!
Who can take that mixture?
Dry and extrude it until its all merged
Cook on high until it looks like a rat turd
The kibble man can
The kibble man can
Because he mixes it with probiotics
To make your poop look good.”

He glided over to me and opened my crate door.  I walked out and sat on the floor next to River.  We were fascinated by this singing dog.
"Are your parents feeding you the same old tired kibble?” he asked. “ Isn't it time you got to taste exotic proteins that will make your mouth explode Iinflavor?"  He walked to the ice cream cart and lifted the lid.

"Come with me, and you'll find
Flavors beyond your imagination
Come with me, and you'll be free
Of boring kibble caused starvation."

"Now what kibble are you currently eating?"  he asked. I told him Blue Buffalo Basics. He made a face.  "Such bland food." He reached into the cart and brought out two kibbles.  'This is what you are currently eating,' he said handing them to us. We ate both.   "How did that taste?' he asked.

"Like crap, as usual," River said.

The Lab shook his head sagely and reached into the cart.  He held up two kibbles. "Would you believe that this small kibble comprises a mixture of free range of turkeys, chickens who have spent their entire life living in a penthouse suite at Trump towers, prize-winning pigs who have only been fed filet mignon, salmon who lived in a dentist's fish tank in Sydney Australia, virgin picked fruit, vegetables are grown by an 80-year-old farmer in Kansas with a germ phobia which makes him wash his hands every five minutes, and pumpkins picked from the patch where Linus awaited the great pumpkin?"

We shook our heads.”What would you say if I told you that by eating this kibble you would never feel any aches or pains, your poop would slip out of you like a snake gliding through a log on a hot summer's day, No flea or tick would ever bother you, you would never go to the vet again, And you would pass to the Bridge happily in your mother's arms at the age of 31.”

We remained skeptical.  ‘Maybe my friends can persuade you,’ he said.
Four Oompa Loompas walked through the door.

“Oompa Loompa doopity Doo
We've got another kibble for you
Oompa Loompa dupity Dee
If your Wise you will listen to me

How about bison mixed with kangaroo
No more kibble from things that go moo
How about from the horn of a unicorn
Don't worry {wink} {wink} no soy or corn
At this point, your parents will buy anything!”

The kibble man handed each of us a perfectly round kibble.  ‘Please to enjoy” he said.

We bit into and let it sit our tongue then swallowed.  Still tasted like crap we agreed

“Of course it does,” the kibble man said.  “Dogs have one-sixth the number of taste buds as humans.  It is hard for us to distinguish subtle flavors especially when they are all crammed together in one tiny bite.  It is the smell that stimulates our appetites. And the stinkier, the better. Humans still buy our food based on the flavors on the front of the bag, most of which we can’t taste.  Now a five-pound bag of unicorn food costs $42.00. Give me your mom’s credit card number, and I will send you a bag.”

This sounded good to me, but River interrupted, and said that our mother would be upset if we spent her money on unicorn food and in the most polite manner River could muster asked him to leave.  

“Let me give you my card," he said dropping it on the floor.  “You will come around sooner or later.’” He gathered the Oompa Loompas, took his cart by the hand and disappeared through the door.

They were all exhausting. I went back in my crate and River got on the couch.  We fell asleep again. We awoke when our parents got home.

Neither River or I could decide if we both shared a dream or what had happened was real.  We agreed it was better to accept it was a dream.

That night, while my parents were watching TV and I was sitting with Mommy in the recliner, I saw an Oompa Loompa behind the TV.  I looked out the window in the other direction and barked. Mommy searched outside to see what I was barking at. This gave the Oompa Loompa a chance to sneak out the door.

River Song and I are convinced the kibble Man is out there with his cart of overpriced exotic kibble aimed at human tastes and not dogs needs.
  

Tell your parents to beware the Kibble Man.