River, sitting on a table, in front of the board, said it was.
“Also, isn't it true that you have admitted that you used your thick head to push your sister out of the way to eat her food and snatch her treats?”
“Yes sir,” River replied. “I would like to take this chance to apologize to my family and to my sister for doing so. I am a changed dog.’
“And isn't it true that you have been sentenced to two days without treats because of these actions?*
“Yes, sir it is.”
“All right then. I understand you have a prepared statement you would like to be read into the record. I will allow you to do so at this time.”
“Thank you,” River said looking down at her remarks .”I come before you today to report the manipulations of my sister Pocket. She is a liar; she's a thief; she farts under the blanket and blames me. She pees on the floor and acts like she has no idea who did it. She is a blamer and a kibble hoarder.”
The chair recognized a labradoodle. “Professor Song, it is your contention is it not that Pocket Dog has not paid kibble tax in 5 years?” River confirmed this was true. “And isn't it true she's lying about her kibble intake?”
“Yes, it is. I have proof here of how much kibble Pocket has consumed and how much she has put out. You can see it. Clearly, she has not been honest.”
The chair recognized a Bichon from Tennessee. “Do you know where Pocket Dog is right now?. River said she did. “Isn't it true Pocket is trying to negotiate a treaty with the cats who live under your house?” River said it was. “And you think it's right for you to come here today and disparage her when she is undertaking such an important cause?”
River said she did not schedule the hearing.
The chair recognized a German Shepherd from New York. “This Pocket. She's smaller than you right?” River confirmed she was. “And she uses its lack of size to prey on your parents to get what she wants doesn't she?” River agreed. “Do you think that this is part of a concerted effort of little dogs against big dogs to try to take over families?” River said that was the very reason she had come forward.
The chair recognized a dog with a white muzzle who have been dozing off. “Aren't you a liar River Song?”
“I have admitted to taking more than my share of kibbles, and I've been sentenced for doing so.”
“Liar liar pants on fire,” the German Shepherd yelled. “Hickory Dickory dock the mouse ran up the clock. I don't like Green Eggs and Ham.”
River asked if the GSD had a question.
“He's just senile,” the chairman said. “If we removed the senile ones we could never get a quorum. Let's move on to the poodle from California.”
“Thank you, chairman. Isn't it true Pocket Dog thought of you as her personal pit bull.” River said it was. “And didn't you leave several threatening peemails in your neighborhood saying if anyone messed with her she would have you take care of them?” River nodded. “Did you ever have to physically confront anyone at Pocket’s request?”
“Not that I recall. She wanted me to walk next to her and look tough. Given my resting bitch face, the illusion was natural to me.”
The chair recognized the Min PIn from Georgia. “Professor Song aren't you nothing but a low-down liar. You trying to get some book deal? You going to sell your story to the movies? There is no way any member of this committee can believe you. This hearing has been a disgrace all planned by big dog against a little dog.”
“Do you have a question?” River asked.
“A question? No, I don't have a question. Why would a member of the board that is supposed to be finding the truth have a question? I have my five minutes to wave my paws in the air, to have my face turn red and show those elected me that I'm here. Hi Mom.”
The chairman then closed the hearing.
“When can I expect a ruling,” River asked.
“A ruling?” he said. “No one comes before this board for a ruling. This is Abuse. Justice is down the hall but they’ve been out of business since 1973.”
This is that is when River realized she may have made a terrible error bring this action forward.