Friday, June 28, 2019

Foley Solves the Tom's River New Jersey Geese Problem

I got a prayer request this week from the town manager in Toms River New Jersey. I answered it because I am a River expert or at least River adjacent.

I popped into the city manager's dreams and asked him how I could be of assistance. He told me that the town had spent more than five million dollars to renovate their central park  Everyone enjoyed it until the geese arrived. Now the ground is covered with poop. DPW workers remove five pounds of geese poop a day. He begged me to answer his prayers and remove the vile winged creatures.  But, angels don't work like that. We suggest solutions to people's problems. We don't solve them. 

I had a lot of geese experience on the mortal side.  Every August they would invade the state hospital grounds where we walked. They clogged up the paths and left poop everywhere.  Blake responded by eating it, a disgusting habit that not even Pocket in her early poop eating years replicated. Have you ever woken up next to someone with geese poop breath?  It is not an enjoyable experience. 

I wanted to charge at the geese and make them fly away, but Blake held me back reminding me what happened to Kramer when he tried to chase off Kenny Rogers Chicken.  Like the crooner's bird, the geese poop is ugly and gross, but to a select few it is high cuisine, Kramer got hooked on it and went through terrible withdrawal. I abided by Blake’s wishes because her withdrawal from geese poop would be ugly.

When Blake went to the Bridge, I became the pack boss. I charged at grounded flocks whenever I saw the opportunity.  It is empowering for a six-pound dog to chase off two dozen winged creatures.  

That is when I knew I had the answer to the town manager’s prayers. I told him he could eradicate the geese and poop population with no cost to the town.  All he had to do was release the town’s dogs. They would chase off the geese, and he would be a hero.

The next day the town manager announced his plan to use the dogs to remove the geese.  Humans volunteered their dogs for the endeavor. At noon he let the dogs out. They ran to the park, chased off the geese, and those with undeveloped pallets gobbled the poop.

The town manager was hailed a hero. He got a big parade, a new office, and a raise. But his troubles were not over. I received another prayer request from him the next week.

The people in the community loved the geese-less park but complained about the dog poop.  He needed a cost-effective way to remove the dogs from the park. While I hated to go against my fellow dogs, I was invested in this guy. I told him to have the people neighboring the park to leave their trash out.  This would attract the bears who will chase off the dogs who chased off the geese.

He did as I instructed.  At the first scent of a bear, the dogs ceded the park.  But were the residents happy? No. They complained when they took their kids to the park; there were bears on the swings. 

At this point, I was sick of the whole situation.  I thought the manager should come to terms with the fact that he lived in another shitty New Jersey town.  But he begged me for a solution. There was only one. Although bears keep it hidden, because they don’t want to lose their forest creds, they are deathly afraid of large, winged creatures like geese.  I told the manager if he got the geese back, he would not have a bear problem. The geese would chase away the bears, who chased away the dogs, who chased away the geese. It was the circle of life.

So, the manager got the geese back, and they took over the park after the bears fled.  The town manager is working as a crossing guard, who, during his off hours, sits in the park and curses the geese.

But, if you want to clean up your park, you have to accept collateral damage


  1. that's so common for humans... the bigger the problem, the bigger the poop... and they have a hand for making problems and poop always bigger than it was once... ummmm.... Blake... how is the taste of geese poop? we never saw it here...

  2. Hmmmm, geese + water sounds normal to me.

  3. Did the new crossing guard have to seek advice on how to do his job? He sounds like a total loser.

  4. Ghostwriter remembers a time when geese like these were rarely seen. Nowadays, they're everywhere! Yes, they do make a huge mess. Sometimes they will descend on a field of growing crops and eat it all up to the dismay of local farmers!

  5. Oh my, how funny is all that! Woof! Xena and Lucy

  6. I tell you I was surprised how much and how big the geese poop when I was on my walk at the park Monday
    Hilda too


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