Friday, July 12, 2019
Foley Monster: Bitch of Honor
After being at the bridge for close to 15 years, my sister Copper shocked us by announcing that she was marrying a Saint Bernard named Winston. She asked me, esteemed judge, and favorite sister to be her bitch of honor.
It was expensive being the bitch of honor. I had to send kibble to the Minister, bones to the church, bully sticks to the caterer, and even a dowry of chew toys to Winston. This wedding was going to leave me broke.
When the wedding day arrived, I wanted everything to be perfect. I walked inside the church and made sure I was decorated as she requested. I saw Winston and his brother Max standing at the altar. Winston was wearing a tall hat and tails. His coat-tail was bunched around wagging tail.
I approached Winston and told him his tails were stuck in his tail. I then stuck my head under his jacket to fix it. "Foley, my God, what are you doing?" A voice wailed.
I emerged from under Winston's coat and saw Copper looking down at me accusingly. "I was adjusting his tail," I explained.
"More like sniffing his butt!" Copper yelled.
I had never. I was just trying to help. I wanted everything to be perfect for her. After all, I had done!
Ok. I sniffed his butt.
But it wasn't my fault. I had not intended to. I'm a dog, and I was butt adjacent. I had to sniff. It was there.
Copper threw her bouquet at me. "You are not a bitch of honor. You're a bitch with no honor. As for you," she turned to Winston "you just stood there are let her sniff your butt. I am sick of both of you." She ran out of the church. Honestly, she is such an Edith.
"Thanks for adjusting my tail, Foley," Winston said with more than a touch of sarcasm.
I had to fix this. We needed to show Copper that if she found herself butt adjacent, she would not be able to resist a sniff either.
I needed a butt, preferably male. I looked at little Max. I asked him if he wanted to help his brother, and he said yes. "Whenever Copper gets upset she goes to Otis' ice cream shop," I said. "I am sure she is there now. You need to go inside, get up on the counter, walk over to where Copper is sitting, turn and put your butt in her face, then order a sundae. When she sniffs you, we will have proven my butt adjacent theory.
Then she will apologize to me." Winston looked at me, archly. "And marry you too of course," I said sheepishly.
We went to the ice cream shop. As predicted Copper was seated at the counter eating a banana split. I had to coax Max until he reluctantly climbed on top of the bar. He walked towards Copper, presented his butt to her, and ordered a sundae.
Copper looked up from her banana split and saw Max's butt in front of her. She looked around to see if anybody was watching and then she took a sniff.
"Aha!" I yelled springing from my hiding spot. "I saw you sniffing Max's butt. You were butt adjacent and took had to sniff. See, I was right! Now you and Winston can marry."
"Yes, Foley," my sister admitted. "You are right; no dog can resist a sniff when they are butt adjacent. I not only apologize but I thank you. I realized after smelling Max that he is the dog I want to spend the rest of my life with. Sorry, Winston, it's over." Then Max and Copper left paw in paw.
I sat at the counter and began to eat the remains of Copper's banana split. When Max's sundae came out, I pushed out the stool and invited Winston to partake. Wearily, he consented. We dug into our ice cream. "You know, it's probably better you find this out now then after the wedding,” I said.
"Foley," Winston said after wiping his mouth, "Shut the f - - - up."
This is what I get for trying to help.