River Song realized she had superhero powers quite by accident. She was sitting in a chair when she felt pressure in her anal glands. When she expressed them, two things occurred. One was an ungodly smell that a dozen Yankee candles couldn't obscure. The second was that her power of expression was so strong it lifted her off the chair.
While getting a much-needed bath, Pocket told River she should use her gifts for goodness instead of vileness. Thus inspired River decided to become a superhero aptly named Anal Girl.
"I don't think that means what you think it means," Pocket suggested, but River wasn't known to listen to anyone, least of all her sister.
When everyone was asleep, River snuck out of the house through the floor grate to patrol the streets. She was well aware that with great expression comes great responsibility.
She had not traveled a mile when she found a young woman being held up by a criminal man." Leave her alone, you fiend," River ordered. Unfortunately, all the robber and his victim heard was "arf, arf, arf, arf."
"Run along, little dog. This doesn't concern you," the man said.
River had given him fair warning. She turned her back to the man and fully expressed her opinion of the robber.
"Good God, what is that?" " The man asked, gagging. "Keep the money, lady. No amount is worth this." The villain absconded for clean air.
River was gone before the woman could thank her because it took the lady several minutes before drawing breath.
River continued her excursions every evening, saving people and spreading her scent. She became well known throughout the land. When the Avengers encountered an alien race known as the Lingus and could not defeat them, they knew they needed the services of Anal Girl.
Captain America recruited River himself. He told her the alien ship was tiny and could only be entered through a small hole in the back.
"Of course, when we discovered the tiny hole in the back, we thought of Anal." River was happy to undertake the assignment.
She used her glands to launch into space and then, by firing each one individually, could access the ship the way the lunar module landed on the moon. Once inside, she found the tiny race of aliens who looked like snails gliding across the ship.
"My name is Anal, Lingus, and I command you to leave this galaxy."
They giggled at the little dog, so she let out mighty expressions throughout the ship.
"I don't know what you're doing, but we don't have noses," the Lingus leader proclaimed.
River had but one choice. She would have to fight her way out.
For the first 15 minutes, it was a ferocious fight. Then, River quickly learned how to subdue the aliens and, within a half-hour, had convinced them to fly away and never come back.
River returned to Earth, where Captain America waited for her. He asked how she defeated the aliens.
"If you want to stop Lingus, a tap on the back of the head usually does the trick, " River said proudly.
The Avengers wanted to throw her a congratulatory bash, but she demurred, wanting to keep her identity secret and the fact that she left the house at night away from her mom.
The next time you are in trouble, and you think all hope is lost, sniff the air, and if it makes you sick, anal girl is on the way to rescue you.