Ruby Rose: Speaker of the House

 

After a long vote and several chaotic meetings, I was chosen as the new speaker of the House.

Which House? The only one that counts: My House.

And what does it mean? I am the first in the House to speak my opinion.

And I have a lot of opinions.

I spend most of the day ruling from my perch on the recliner I share with my mom. But, if needed, I am ready to spring into action.

I may have a tiny head, but my ear-to-skull ratio is high, and I can hear many things. I could say I am the Hearer of the House, too, but that sounds silly.

So I usually hear a voice from a distance, and I jump down, run to the living room window, stand on my back legs to see, and genuflect (I am spayed, we talk with our paws) and speak.

Several things could make a noise outside my window: Humans, cars, and animals. That's about it.

Once in position and am locked onto my target, as they walk towards the House, I bark, "Come here, come here, come here, come here," and when they reach the driveway and start walking away, I bark: "Go away, go away, go away, go away, which they do."

Then, when they pass the driveway, I bark: "Come back, come back, come back, come back!" They never do, but in case they didn't hear this, I continued to bark it for 87 minutes.

Then, I am tired and go to Mom's recliner, climb under the blanket, curl up on her lap, and - Wait, is that the sound of a human? Time to start again.

But, humans are only part of the problem: Outside my windows, dogs on leashes, on my lawn. What kind of speaker would I be if I didn't bark at them to get off my lawn and never return?

Once they have heeded my barks, I stay at the window, barking, to make sure the violators know not to come back. And, if they are unaccompanied, I use some words only heard on HBO Paw.

When the men with boxes stop by our House, I bark at them: "What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it?" but they don't answer. The most be sworn to secrecy by the King of the Amazon.

Being on call to be Speaker of the House 24 hours is hard, so sometimes, from my mom's lap or the bed, I will stand up and bark the dog equivalent of: "Hey you kids, get off my lawn!"

And, sometimes at night, when I can't see anything, I still stand at the window and bark because, you don't know, something could be out there.

Yours truly,
Ruby Rose
The Speaker of the House