The Ruby Rose Report: What Happened Next Door

 

It was a quiet Sunday afternoon. I was watching Oppenheimer with my parents and thinking of my 131^st great-grandfather Oliver, who lived in Belgium during the war and originated the famous Griffy scowl by frowning at the Nazis as they marched around town. I don’t have a resting bitch face; I have a resting bitch stop goose-stepping on the grass, you Nazi bastard face.

I am always alert, and when I heard doors shut, I jumped down and ran to the window.

I saw policemen with guns drawn creeping past the house. They were headed towards our next-door neighbor, who has been rumored to be something nefarious; I don’t believe it. They have an old car and the worst lawn in the development. If they are criminals, they need to go back to robbing school because they suck at it.

I could tell the police did not want to alert the suspects that they were approaching. The lead detective put his hand on the doorknob. Everyone held their breath.

Then I began to cry loudly.

The police kicked in the door and told everyone in the house to get on the ground.

I stayed watching it like it was an HBO show outside my window.

I saw a suspect running out the back door, and I barked louder. I owed it to the police for tipping their play.

They caught the man in his backyard. “I would have got away if it wasn’t for that stupid barking dog,” he said while walking to the waiting squad car.

He was told my barking had given him a chance to run.

At least being vocal had supported both sides. Foley would be proud.

Even after the suspect was apprehended, I attempted to help the police by barking at them where to search, but they don’t listen to non-commissioned dogs.

My parents kept telling me to get away from the windows and be quiet while they looked out the windows and loudly spoke about what they saw. Finally, it was over, and the cops left. I stood at the window, barking thank you and goodbye.

I think I may have a future as a law enforcement dog or at least as a warning animal for some high-level criminals who can afford a Farmer’s Dog subscription.

My only regret

I missed the end of Oppenheimer.

I will never know how the war ended