The Ruby Rose Report: Old Dogs, No Tricks

 

Mortal humans aren't aware, but all species have Presidents who meet in the dream world to settle problems between animals.

Charles has been dog President for ten years since he was four years old. He has done a great job. He is kind and wise and puts the well-being of all dogs first. However, the rules say that a president needs to be mortal, and Charles got sick and stepped down before going to the Bridge.

It has been so long since we have had an election, and all the good candidates have also gone to the Bridge. There are only two members of Charles' cabinet still on the mortal side: Hunter, a German Shephard, and Koltsov, a French Bulldog.

Hunter is 17, and Koltsov is 18. Foley visited me in my dreams, concerned that the two candidates' combined age is human years older than their country's. She asked me to vet the two candidates. I was honored.

I first met with Hunter, who began by telling me his plans to improve the lives of all dogs. I got to the point and asked if he thought his age hindered his candidacy.

"Of course not," Hunter said, then peed on the floor.

I tried not to act surprised and inquired why he made his water on the shag rug.

"Darndest thing, been doing it for a year now, my Mom doesn't complain." I said that was good, and he added, "She's just happy when I don't shit in the bed while she is sleeping." He began to swat in front of his face. "I could answer your questions a lot better if it wasn't for these damn bats."

I realized that our society would be destroyed if Hunter, who has a record of bitiing his guards, our leader.

At least we had another viable candidate. I went to see Kolstov, who, when I introduced myself, immediately began ranting about his being thrown out of the Daisy Meadows kennel for attacking other dogs.

"Those dogs were some real sickos," he said. "They weren't the best dogs. They had rabies, they had fleas, some of them, I suppose, were good boys. We are going to build a wall around the kennel and the cats are going to pay for it." He then rambled incoherently for 20 minutes.

I told Foley that neither candidate was impaired nor qualified to be our leader. She said it was too late to change candidates. For worse or worse, we were stuck with them.

Except for dark dog candidate Rib-Eye, who runs on a no rabies vaccine platform.

We are all screwed.