The Ruby Rose Report: Ask Miss Ruby

The creator of this blog, Foley Monster, was well-known for her advice column, Ask Aunt Foley. As her work at the Bridge expanded, she had less time to devote to this endeavor. However, with the Bridge receiving an overwhelming amount of prayer requests, Foley has asked me to help her by answering some questions about pets. So, I am launching my new blog, Ask Miss Ruby.

Dear Miss Ruby: We went on vacation and left our cat with a friend. When we got home and picked her up she was distant and has peed on the couch every day since. What can we do?

- Soiled Urine Cleaner

Dear Soiled Urine Cleaner: Don’t go away.

Dear Miss Ruby: My dog loves traveling with us but he gets car sick. How can I stop this?

- Dirty Driver

Dear Dirty Driver: Stop driving like a maniac. Slow down, don’t switch lanes, stop running yellow lights. Your driving is making everyone sick.

Dear Miss Ruby: I thought I was prepared to have a dog but I can’t get used to the smell. I have sprayed, burned candles, and used plug-ins. Any suggestions?

- A Sensitive Nose

Dear A Sensitive Nose: You aren’t used to the smell. What about us dogs? We have extremely sensitive noses, and you people smell. And there is no getting used to it because when we do, you change it. Perfume, cologne, different scented shampoos, and body washes. People, find a scent and stick to it. You are breaking our sniffers.

Dear Miss Ruby, I have been dealing with tummy issues for months. My mom didn't want to take me for an expensive vet visit, so she explored other solutions. She found a kit on Amazon from 5Strands. She bought it, collected a sample of my fur, tested it, and received a printout of what I cannot tolerate: Everything. Now, my mom doesn't know what to feed me. Any suggestions? - Achy and Hungry.

Dear Achy and Hungry: No pet wants to go to the vet, and our parents concur. The lesson is there is no alternative to the vet, at least not on Amazon.  5Strands reports what foods are hard for breeds to tolerate, but are not specific to you. The good news is you will get the specific food you can’t tolerate but it will also allow you to eat lots of other things currently on the 5Strands list.

 

Poetry Thursday

 

Two Spoiled Cats have provided me with a new picture to inspire us for Poetry Thursday

“You have to stop and smell the roses,”

Steve said then shoved the flowers where Ethel’s nose is

She sneezed and dropped two bags which on her leg bruised her

She stopped and asked herself how she ended up with this loser

They both had been wild, young, and free

Living in a house they constructed in a tree

She promised that with him they would live off the grid

Now she knew that was the dumbest thing she had ever did.

 

For years she had caught their food by hand and in traps

And when there was none she did the best she could do with scraps.

In the summer they baked and in the winter they froze

And how they would get through the next one heaven knows

 

“Isn’t this better than living in a house,” Steve said

“Sleeping under covers in a big warm bed.

Always having to work for the man

Being slaves to your 401K plan.”

Right then she knew she couldn’t take it anymore

She wanted a house with a locked door

She told Steve it was over 

She dropped her bags and escaped through a field of clover

It took two years for Ethel to recover

She found a new job, a new house, and a new lover

One morning for work she was about to leave

She saw, mowing his lawn was Steve

She triumphantly walked to him and said she knew he couldn't take it.

He was nothing but a hypocrite

He laughed and asked if she wanted the truth?

He had spent years sleeping under this roof

Steve said “every night when you fell asleep outside 

I came her to sleep with my bride

And snuck back before you awoke

Frankly, I found the whole live off the grid thing to be a joke.

Ethel realized she had been paid for a fool

And remembered before she left what her mom called the Golden Rule

Never follow a man into the wood

Because inside or out they are no good

Rainbow Bridge Rememberance Day

 

The original: Foley Monster, prominant dog attorney, nurse, friend and partner.

She is now a judge at Rainbow Bridge District Four

She gives the angel oath to her friends when they pass over

Sweet Pocket Dog

Foley's blogging partner, and River's mentor

The sweetest most gentle dog in the world

There were many things on the mortal side that scared her

But now she has nothing to fear

River Song

Took on the role of single dog after :Pocket passed

She managed to fill both my parent's hearts.

They still can't believe she is gone

Beat This Caption

 

Although the Senator said there was a reasonable explanation for the picture he knew his politcal career was over.

Monday Question

 Name something funny you do that makes your parents laugh.

Ruby's Answer: I always sit up and watch when Limu and Doug come on TV. Yesterday, for the first time, I howled. It was directed at the emu

Foley's Tales From Rainbow Bridge: Alain DeLeon the man who wanted to take it with him (And Loubo Who Did Not Want to Be It)

 

When senior dogs and senior humans are together, and dependent on one another, sometimes, they wish they could go to the other side together. 

That was Alain Delon’s wish.

I am sure you recognize the name. He’s a famous French actor, on par with the best basketball player in Liliputain. I believe he starred in Blah Blah Blah, and Blah Blah Blah II: More Blah

Alion was a sex symbol in France where strangely groomed poodles are the height of beauty. He had a slew of women, but his favorite bed partner was his Belgian malinois named Loubo,

A few months ago a worried Loubo requested a prayer, They were both older, and had said how nice would it be to go together. At first Loubo thought that meant slipping away in the night together. Alion had other plans. 

“He wants me to be put down when he passes over the Bridge, but if I go first I know he’s going to stay. I don’t blame him. I want to stay too. But, my duty is to my Dad. What am I to do?”

It was a quandry, so very human, and French to boot. The Big Guy frowns on souls who follow their loved ones into the dark. Sometimes he doesn’t let you cross, making you wait in a Ramada by the Bridge. People who have stayed in Ramadas by the airport on the human side say it is hell.

But, Loubo had an oath

And so did I.

I visited all the humans who knew Loubo and found one friend to take him in. When the will was read and Loubo's fate discussed it was decided that Aliane's final wish could be delayed.

No one was happpier than angel Aliane who, upon crossing the Bridge immediately realized his mistake and wanted was happy his decision was postponed because he gets to visit a happy Loubo in the mortal world and Aliane can work on making sure it is a long time until Loubo will follow him into the dark..

The Ruby Rose Report: Ruby Goes to the Convention

 

On Monday, I prepared to fulfill one of the most important duties of my life. I was elected by the local dogs and cats to represent us at the Democratic Convention where we would nominate a pet to be our leader because neither candidate for President has one, and we are facing a crisis in leadership.

One of the candidates for President doesn’t dog. He says negative things about people and follows it up with “Like a dog.” He must be confused because the proper use of “Like a dog” is following phrases like: “She was beautiful,” “She was smart,” or “she sniffed my crotch.” It is the highest compliment a human can receive.

Then there is the guy he is running with, an anti-catidite. He doesn’t think women should grow old with just a cat, which I agree with because no one should grow old without a dog, but he looks like a guy who doesn’t like us either. Old, single people are our bread and butter. Without them, we will be roaming the streets in wild packs.

In July, the cats came together to nominate their candidate for pet leader, and surprisingly picked Babydog, all agreeing Washington was too dirty for felines.

Four years ago when I was in puppy embryo training, the pet convention nominated Baron Biden to be Pet Leader without checking with him if he wanted the position or had the mental acuity to perform the job. To abdicate the position, he bit anyone who came in contact with him. Sadly, it was ruled he had immunity so he had to keep biting people until he was finally allowed to retire to a farm. 

That is why this year we needed to find an appropriate candidate. I interviewed dozens and was impressed with a rescue dog named Scout. He was originally Gene, an abandoned rescue. At 11 weeks old, he was left with his littermate in a ravine right in Oklahoma before a rainstorm. A woman found them and coaxed the dogs out before it flooded. The litter was taken in by a Midwest Animal Rescue. Gene, the calmest dog, charmed the workers. 

When he became available, he was adopted by the Governor of Minnesota and could now belong to the Vice-President, which meant his dad would have a lot of time to spend with him over the next four years. If either Baby Dog or Scout wins, we will be in good paws, a lot better than the humans.

Poetry Thursday

It's Poetry Thursday and my friend Angel Sammy has sent us this picture to inspire us

“I just don’t feel fulfilled,” 

The bear said, sitting in a tank semi-chilled

“I would like to do something that would leave me thrilled.

My Mom made me live in a zoo, she said I wouldn’t last in the wild, being mostly unskilled.”

Sitting and listening was a little girl named Ruby Dee 

who only wanted to see the animals that were on TV

 she asked the bear” What do you want from me?

I ain't no psychiatrist no doctor with degree

The bear continued with his tale of woe

How he was all dressed up with nowhere to go

His request to leave the zoo was met with a flat no

His only real friend was Scott, the cataract-ridden rhino 

My wife ran off with Lancelot Link Secret Chim

I can't afford my girlfriend since she got an expensive pimp

My only child, a boy is a wimp

He won’t go to the beach since being scared by a snapping shrimp.

The other inmates try to cheer me up by reminding me I am a bear

That with a might growl I could scare

But standing up to other animals fills me with despair

And when I sleep I have a bear vs. raptor nightmare

Ruby Dee interrupted saying she did not want to be accused of misrepresentation.

And even a little girl could tell the bear suffered from depression. 

And while they made progress in their session

He needed to speak to someone who was trained in the profession

The bear looked down and said “I am not looking for a God send

Or for someone to tell me what behaviors I should amend

For what I need the most the days’ end

Is just someone who listens that I can call a friend. 

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Get this! You know that hare, the one who shot his mouth off about being faster than everyone. Well, I challenged him to a race, and while I kept going slow and steady, he raced ahead, then took a nap, and overslept and I won.

And get this afterwards I banged his wife.

Monday Question

Are you considred a pure bred pet?

Have you ever had a DNA test?

Do you have paper work?

Does it matter?

Ruby's Answer: I came with papers stating I was a pure bred Griffon, paper my parents quickly lost because they didn't get me becauae I was a pure bred but because I am me. 

Foley's Tails From Rainbow Bridge: Oliver, the Groundhog with a Dream

•  
  
  
  
• Oliver was a groundhog with a dream.
• 
  
• He lived in the woods by the Ocean Park mini golf course and arcade. Every day he would hide in the woods watching families play mini-golf.
• 
  
• Often they would bring their dog. It would watch the family play like Oliver did, sitting still, not chasing the ball, and getting lots of love and scratches.
• 
  
• Oliver knew he could be just as good a pet as any dog, he just needed a chance.
• 
  
• One day he decided to take it.
• 
  
• While a family was playing he slowly snuck up on them. He was almost at the fence when a dog began barking at him, warning the family. Oliver had to hand it to those dogs, they knew they had a good thing and wanted to protect it.
• 
  
• Oliver realized the straight-ahead way wouldn’t work for him.
• 
  
• He developed another tactic: He would use the arcade.
• 
  
• He sat outside an open doorand watched. Soon he had a plan.
• 
  
• Hesisterinside while the low-paid and less aware workers cleaned. When they left he put his plan in motion. By the next day, he would be living with his new family as a beloved pet.
• 
  
• As he waited for the arcade to open he wished he had brought a snack.
• 
  
• Soon the playroom was filled with kids. Oliver became excited as he heard footsteps outside of where he was nestled. Then the click of coins, and a whir.
• 
  
• The claw had been activated.
• 
  
• Oliver waited until it was lowered into the plushies and hopped inside then claw.
• 
  
• The boy brought up the claw: “I got something, I got something,” he yelled and his little brother and siter came over.  The claw emerged from the stuffies, and seeing family, Oliver smiled.
• 
  
• “It’s a rat!” the little girl yelled.
• 
  
• Oliver was about to explain that he was a groundhog when he saw people running around and screaming.
• 
  
• Scared, Oliver screamed along with them., 
• 
  
• He only wanted to get out but he could not find the exit.
• 
  
• Men arrived with big, sharp tools. They ripped apart the claw machine and gently lifted Oliver out.
• 
  
• They began to discuss what ton do with him when he broke away from the men and ran through the people, out the door, and back to his hole.
• 
  
• He had decided that humans were a species better enjoyed from a distance.
• 
  

The Ruby Rose Report: Resting Sad Face

Like many other dogs, I suffer from SFS, otherwise known as 'sad face syndrome.' No matter how I feel, my face betrays me, signaling that I have a chronic case of the blues. Here is a picture of me after my parents came home, let me out of my crate, and made my favorite treats

I am delighted, filled with happiness, and almost giddy with joy. Now, here's another photo of me when I found out that I have to be crated all afternoon and my parents are leaving me behind.

This face is a problem.

I am upset in the second picture, but since I look the same as when I am happy, my parents think I am okay with being left. That makes me frustrated. Here is a picture of me feeling that way.

I look like Spock’s dog with resting Vulcan face.

I do have one other face.

When I have this face on people say: “Look at that happy little dog.”

I am not happy. I am stressed out from my walk, I am trying to cool down and look like I was just rescued after being in a hot car for a half hour.

Many fellow dogs suffer from this: When we are at our most tired, overheated, and stressed we look like we just walked in on our surprise birthday party.

Here is my “I just walked into my surprise birthday” face.

Overjoyed.

People do not respect the Resting Sad Face.

Sometimes, when I pass a human, they will say “Hey, little girl, what’s wrong, give me a smile.”

“I don’t feel like smiling but if a tree branch fell and crushed your skull, I might be able to perform a small pant,” I answered.

People say it is the lack of opposable thumbs that makes animals inferior to humans.

They are mistaken.

It is the lack of a middle finger, which I would have given to the jerk who wanted to me smile for his amusement.

You think we bark too much? Give us a middle finger and we will stand in the kitchen window and silently flip off every person, bird, and squirrel who comes in our yard.

And when you tell us you’re going to be gone for the day and put us in our crate don’t turn around because we will be flipping the bird until you come home.

For now, I leave you with a picture of me being the happiest I have ever felt

.

Poetry Thursday

 

It's Poetry Thursday and my friend Angel Sammy has sent us this picture to inspire us

Each summer I would spend a week with my Auntie

A former showgirl who had a fling with Durante

We’d play poker, no more than penny ante

And she would tell me tales of when she was an Avanti

The cottage had no electricity, sewage, or running water

I didn’t know if she owned it or was just a squatter

She said to her I was like a daughter

And she smiled with every freshly picked flower I bought her

I was 21 when she passed away

My Mom found her, skin taut and gray

We buried her on a sunny day

Under  a nest filled with singing blue jays

The next day they read her testament

And the cottage was left to me without my consent

“We should bulldoze the place,” my Mom did lament

Her tone of voice marking there was to be no dissent

I talked to my Mom until letting me spend one night

At 2:00 AM I woke up and their yard was light

I stumbled out to see fairies, elves, and sprites

All dancing in playing in delight

Then I felt a hand in mine

It was my aunt looking divine

She chose me to own the house by design

Knowing I would be the one to provide the forest creatures a lifeline

Now many years later, I am showing you my house, Clarice

For someday soon I will be at peace

And I know you will allow these creatures to play without cease

As I pass down this little bit of magic to another niece

Wordlesss Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Put that thing back in your pants and step away from the bowl you freak 

Monday Question

Have your parents ever been injured by their pets or an animal not their own?

Have your parents ever been injured by their pets or an animal not their own?

Actually, I asked this question just to tell a story.

 All three have to do with my Dad.

He was breaking up a fight between his doorg and another and his dog put his tooth right through the webbing between my Dad's thumb and forefinger.

Once while riding his book at little dog ran at him, and kept goiing and my Dad hit it and went over the handlebars skinning his forearms from wrist to elbow

Finally, on Saturday, he was talking to a woman who had a pitbull on the leash. The pitbull went to jump on him in a non-threatning way. The woman pulled back on the leash, pulling the dog down, then it lunged forward betwen his legs, the woman yanked on the leash again and the dog's giant, bulbous head, jerked upwsrd crushing my Dad's naughty bits.

He stepped back and bent over to catch his breath.

The infuriated woman said "what, are you scared of my dog?"

The Ruby Rose Report: The Birthday Free Pass

• My third birthday was a couple of weeks ago. My mom asked me what I wanted and I thought hard, but I had everything I wanted, so I told her to surprise me.
• On my birthday morning, I was given liver pate with a candle. The liver was off, but the candle tasted good.
• Then, I got my gift. It came in an envelope, which I opened with my teeth. Inside was a card that read “Free pass.”
• When I asked what it was she told me that it allowed me to do one thing wrong, and I would be forgiven for it. “You just have to decide what that is,” she said.
• This was exciting. I could run out the door and explore the neighborhood without consequence, but I quickly dismissed that idea because it was too hot, I hate the neighbors, and I have a Griffon sense of direction which means I can’t find my tail, even on the map.
• I could pee on the floor. How liberating would that be? But it is hard to pee on the floor without wet paws being the result, and I don’t like wet paws. Also, it is a bit rude to pee on a floor just for fun, and I eat off the floor, I don’t like eating near the rest room never mind where a puddle of piss was just removed.
• I could poop right in the middle of the living room. How grand would that be? But, when I do poop I am embarrassed and try to hide the evidence in my mouth which triggers my panic swallow reflex, so we should drop the whole thing.
• I could dig up some plants, but they are pretty, the work arduous, and I would damage my nails.
• I could stand at the window and bark, which I did, but I have done it so often that my parents don’t hear it anymore. That would be a waste of a free pass. 
• I could chew up a pillow. But it would be work, and I like to lie on pillows.
• Or shoes! But they taste like feet.
• I could eat their supper! But I am short and stout. I can’t get up on the counter or table. I could eat on one of the floor, but that is mine anyway. 
• By the end of the day I had failed and handed back to my Mom who told me to keep it, although she knew I wouldn’t need it, because I was the best little girl around, and never did anything wrong.
• Her saying that made my heart full of love, and it was the best birthday gift I could get.