The Ruby Rose Report: Ruby Goes to the Convention

 

On Monday, I prepared to fulfill one of the most important duties of my life. I was elected by the local dogs and cats to represent us at the Democratic Convention where we would nominate a pet to be our leader because neither candidate for President has one, and we are facing a crisis in leadership.

One of the candidates for President doesn’t dog. He says negative things about people and follows it up with “Like a dog.” He must be confused because the proper use of “Like a dog” is following phrases like: “She was beautiful,” “She was smart,” or “she sniffed my crotch.” It is the highest compliment a human can receive.

Then there is the guy he is running with, an anti-catidite. He doesn’t think women should grow old with just a cat, which I agree with because no one should grow old without a dog, but he looks like a guy who doesn’t like us either. Old, single people are our bread and butter. Without them, we will be roaming the streets in wild packs.

In July, the cats came together to nominate their candidate for pet leader, and surprisingly picked Babydog, all agreeing Washington was too dirty for felines.

Four years ago when I was in puppy embryo training, the pet convention nominated Baron Biden to be Pet Leader without checking with him if he wanted the position or had the mental acuity to perform the job. To abdicate the position, he bit anyone who came in contact with him. Sadly, it was ruled he had immunity so he had to keep biting people until he was finally allowed to retire to a farm. 

That is why this year we needed to find an appropriate candidate. I interviewed dozens and was impressed with a rescue dog named Scout. He was originally Gene, an abandoned rescue. At 11 weeks old, he was left with his littermate in a ravine right in Oklahoma before a rainstorm. A woman found them and coaxed the dogs out before it flooded. The litter was taken in by a Midwest Animal Rescue. Gene, the calmest dog, charmed the workers. 

When he became available, he was adopted by the Governor of Minnesota and could now belong to the Vice-President, which meant his dad would have a lot of time to spend with him over the next four years. If either Baby Dog or Scout wins, we will be in good paws, a lot better than the humans.