Dear Mr. Sheen:
Hello sir. My name is Pocket Dog and I am applying for the position of intern. I feel I have many qualities that would me the perfect candidate for this job.
Loyalty: I am a dog, therefore by nature I am loyal. I have been very loyal to my current Mommy and Daddy despite several instances of mistreatment. They have a back room on the second floor with a door that magically shuts behind me. When it does I just sit and wait for it to be opened and do not hold a grudge. So if you need me to hide in a closet while your snort cocaine off a prostitutes mid-section not only wouldn't I mind, but I am used to it. Also, if you needed me to take a baggie of heroin and hide behind the couch or under the bed I have experience in the job requirements of fetching things and hiding them from the PO.
Ho Tolerance: In my formative years my human brother was in his mid twenties and we had a line out the door of tramps, hos, and skanks. When I was a pup that area of my anatomy was broken during an ill fated attempt to "fix" it. So not only do I have a tolerance for the type of female company you prefer, but I have no interest in being pleasured in the manner they are.
Children: We have a similar attitude toward children. I let children pick me up, pat me, carry me around, play ball with me but I know they will soon tire of me and go watch TV. You pick your children, pat them, carry them around, play ball with them, then tire of them and go watch TV. Also I could be an immense help in feeding your children since I imagine the only food available to either me or the children will be what your drop on the floor I can teach them how to lick the food off the floor.
Balls: I am obsessed with balls. I chase them. I catch them. I pick them up off the floor. I sit on the couch and chew on them and lick them. Yeah, you're getting the picture aren't you big boy?
Education: I received an honorary doctorate from Puppy University, so, while I have no actual medical experience I would be a doctor living in the house with you. like Michael Jackson had. I can dial 911 once out of every seven tries. And I can run away like the wind, just like Michael Jackson's doctor.
Excitable peeing: I am an excitable pee-er. When I get overly excited I leak. I sense you suffer the same problems with urination. We can compare notes.
Feet: I like to take my mouth and put it on my foot to lick it. You like to take your foot and put it in your mouth. Very similar traits.
Addiction: You suffer from addiction to various substances. I like to eat poo. You call your house the sober house. I call my house the no eat poo house. The irony is lost on both of us.
Video: We both like to put rambling, incoherent, offensive videos on the Internet. Here is mine.
I am sure you will find my qualifications exemplary and I look forward to discussing how many kibble I will receive in compensation. (Between you and me Mommy has lots of pills and she won't miss a few here and there.)