Thursday, March 3, 2011

Foley Monster the Human Whisperer

I am Foley.  I rehabilitate humans, but I train dogs.

I have recently received several complaints by dogs about the bed.  This only pertains to those dogs who want to sleep in the large bed in the bedroom.  For you dogs who prefer to sleep in their own beds  this does not concern you.  I do understand this.  Humans are rather disgusting to sleep with.  They are usually morning bathers so by night time their stank is most noticeable.  They make strange, disturbing sounds in their sleep that lead to unrest.  Also, not to shock you, but sometimes your bed is used by humans for reasons other than sleep.  Yes, they do "that" in it instead of on the front yard as the school bus pulls up like normal mammals.  Also, by morning, when they awake next to you, and want to kiss you, their breath can burn your whiskers off.

But for so many of us the bed, with its snuggly comforters, it's soft mattress, and the heat humans give off, can be the best place to sleep in the world.  Humans are wonderful to snuggle with.   They curl up making a perfect spot to sleep in, when they can't sleep they reach out to give us belly rubs, it is certainly the closest us dogs will go back to our roots of sleeping in packs.

Unfortunately humans believe that they own the bed because they earned the kibble to pay for it.  This is the animal coming out in the human.  Humans are hunters and gatherers by nature.  They gather items, like beds, and bring them into the house where the pack lives.  What they need to be trained to understand is that anything brought into the house is pack property not individual property.

So we must claim the bed from them.  No Pocket this does not mean peeing on the bed.  The bed is community property and should be enjoyed by all and no one wants to sleep in your pee.  When it is bed time, make sure the bed is ready to be slept in, that all those unnecessary pillows, comforters and stuffies are removed from it.  Then you need to jump on the bed.  If you can't you need to lose a few pounds.  One of the way humans keep the communal pack items away from us is by over feeding us.  We all know we are going to fall for this trick, but we have to remember to zoom around the house to lose weight.

So jump on the bed.  They will tell you to get down.  Get down.  Then get right back up.  They will tell you to get down again.  Get down.  Then get right back up.  Eventually they will give in.  You know why?  Because we have nothing else to do all day.  We could keep going, up down, up down, while our weakness is we can't keep away from food their weakness is eventually they crumble.  Oh we may have to resort to some cheap trips like putting our head on our crossed paws and looking up with side eyes.

Once we have established ourselves on the bed you can let the humans tell you where to lay.  But as soon as the humans fall asleep you need to get to the spot where you want to be.  (Note:  Do not stand on top of the covers and try to go under them at the same time.  So unprofessional.)  Once you get to the spot you want burrow as close to your human as you can (but not too close, I once snuggled Mommy right out of the bed.)  They may get up and tell you to get back to where you belong but when they fall asleep you can go right back to your spot.  Eventually they will give in and let you lay where you want and you will have dominance over the bed.

Humans will try to break us of this using calm and assertive voices and demeanor.  To counter this we should act in an excited, nervous manner.  Chaos theory states that over time, if left alone, all situations will turn to chaos:  meaning that excited and nervous will beat calm and assertive every time.  If you are in a drastic situation you may need to get your humans in a submissive position.  All humans reach this position in their own time.  The submissive position in humans for this exercise is when they are curled in the fetal position at the end of the bed begging to know why you just won't go to sleep.

The bed is a good first step in teach humans how to be a member of the pack and stop trying to lead the pack.  Our next lesson will be getting human food from the table.

Until then good luck and remember, and remember, all members of the pack are equal, some are just more equals than others.


  1. Such good advice. We are eager to read further in your Human Training Guide.

  2. This is a lot of information to take in. I'm sure it's well researched and excellent advice, but I can't help but be relieved that I sleep in my own bed on the floor... seems much easier.

  3. Foley, I guess I am lucky. Momma is OCD. Will not get into bed and will not allow anyone else into bed until they have showered, or bathed and groomed. She has some serious issues with grooming. But as far as everything else, YOU ARE RIGHT! The 3 of us outnumber the 2leggeds. Yet it is a battle every night. Momma is ok, she is short and does not take up much of the bed and she is a neat sleeper. Stays in her allocated 1/5. Daddy is a total disaster. He should be made to sleep under the bed. He flops like a fish out of water, and he hogs the pillow he calls "his own" as if anything like that is possible. There are night I seek refuge on the chaise, or the couches or even one of the "dog beds". But really I belong on the pillow that lays above momma's head.

  4. We love the big bed. We like to go up there early and stake our know, secure the best spot and get a pillow too :)

    Wyatt and Stanzie