Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Attorney Foley Monster's and Professor Pocket's Full Proof Way to Beat a Doggy DNA Test

It has come to my attention that some of your higher end condo associations have asked for a stool sample from all dogs who move into their units. They get a DNA sample from the poo, and if they find poo on their precious lawns, they send a sample of it to the lab to identify the offending pooch.

This is an attack on our inalienable right to poo. Also why is it our DNA that is being brought into question? When we are born we are just as happy to poo in the house like everyone else. But we are brought outside, against our will, to poo, and if the Lord meant for us to pick it up, he would have given us op-possible thumbs. So we have to rely on our silly, forgetful humans to clean it up, and half the time they have left the bag or scooper behind, and do likewise with our poo, leading to us having to submit to DNA testing, a violation of our personal freedom. Why don’t they get DNA testing from the humans? They must shed a hair or two fleeing the poo.

But instead it is on us, our precious bodily fluids to be kept on file and to be used for who know what purposes. So I turned to Professor Pocket and asked her what we could so to help our dog friends who could be suffering such an indignity. She spent a week in her lab and I will now let her explain her latest invention: The Anus Alias.

Hello. I am Professor Pocket Dog. Are you facing a loss of privacy because a power hungry condo board wants to have your DNA on file?. Then I have the solution for you. It is the Anus Alias. If you order an Anus Alias you will get a stool sample from a purebred dog who is not on any medications and has been thoroughly dewormed. You will get our patented Anus Alias packaging containing the clean stools, the packaging to go on your belly, and hair extensions in your color to cover the apparatus. As you know all dog DNA specialists want you to poo in front of them, so this is you’re only way to guarantee the privacy of your bodily functions.

How does it work? Simple. You are going to need a parent to buckle the Anal Anus around your waist making sure the pouch is full. Then drape the hair over you back to cover the pouch. Finally have someone snap to anal alias into place under your tail. When you go into the poo room try to walk with your tail down to cover the anal anus. Of course anyone who goes into a lab room to involuntarily surrender their poo with their tail up is one sick puppy.

Now, squat as you usually do. This will force to poo from the pouch under your stomach and up the tub and then out of your alias anus. They will gather the poo, bag and tag it, test it and then assign the DNA to you. From that point on you have the freedom to poo where ever you like and the evidence cannot be traced back to you.

Also, from that point forward, the anal alias is yours to keep. Although I would not use it for another DNA testing without a thorough cleaning, you can have fun at parties. Imagine the laughs that will erupt when someone says ‘oh my gosh, Leo just pooped a turtle.’

So, get yourself an anal alias before you anus makes you have to obtain an alias.


  1. oh. you are too funny. i now am relieved that i live out in the country!

  2. I say... this is the ultimate invasion of privacy!