Friday, January 13, 2012

The Case of the Ill Dumped Dump

Two days before Christmas Mommy and Daddy traveled to Mommy’s nephew Andrew’s and his wife’s Joyce’s house for a party they referred to Christmas Adam, because Andrew has a brother named Adam, and Adam comes before Eve. Studies show no one in the animal kingdom cares..

The party went on late into the night, according to the bursting clocks in both my bladder and Pocket’s. The next morning Daddy asked me for a consult.

This Andrew, who is a lawyer like me, needed advice in the specialty of dog law. He lives near a park where people walk their dogs. He doesn’t own a dog of his own, but he’s young, and we will forgive him for that. His beef is with dog owners in his neighborhood. Once a week he puts his trash out to be picked up. While he and his bride are at work the trash man comes and removes his trash, leaving his barrel on the sidewalk in front of his home. Before he can get home to retrieve his barrel someone walking back from the park disposes of their dog droppings in his barrel, his barrel of no fun.

Well, I was a little annoyed, because it was Christmas Eve, but once Daddy agreed to pay kibble and a half I cracked the books. The Massachusetts Pooper Scooper law (humans love laws that rhyme) states that the owner of the animal must dispose of the refuse in a proper receptacle. Twenty minutes later I found out what refuse meant and spent the next 20 minutes cursing humans for using fancy words for ordinary pooh.

Now for my human lawyer client’s issue. The humans who are taking their dogs for a walk are properly scooping their pooping. Their next task is to find a proper receptacle for the pooping. Unfortunately your open trash can does fit the term “proper receptacle.” In short you are up poops creek without a barrel.

You could pursue a civil case against the dump dumper but first you would need proof of who the poo belongs to. You couldt hide in the barrel, and, when the poo is dropped into the receptacle, pop out and yell “I love trash,” then inform the dumper that they are trespassing by poo and you reserve the right to file a civil action. Now there are downsides to this. When you pop out of the trash you don’t know who you’re coming out to, and if it’s an angry pitbull you’re on your own. And you do risk being correctly known to your neighbors as a poopy head,

You could also offer, every day, at the park, to give the dogs a free brush. After they brush you put a description on the dog and one of the hairs in a baggie. When the dump is dumped you send the hair and the dump to the lab, and when you get the tests back, you can identify, through DNA, the pooper, then pop up and yell Ja’accuse.

But even if you do this, if you bring the petty pooper into civil court, according to my research, ironically, the Judges ruling will be the same as the question that has launched you on this judicial journey: “Who give a sh*t?”


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  2. Have you considered telling Andrew to loosen up a bit and just line his trash bin so it's not such a crisis??? Also tell him that you need a huge retainer because DNA testing is not cheap. the alternative he can place a small sign on his lawn... Private BIN for use of resident only. Camera Surveillance Enforced. I know that would be a lie, but the poop dropper has no idea it's a lie....

  3. LOL, I am with Vie. Oh Andrew, lighten up! I mean, after all, what is worse? The illicit pooper leaving a crap in the can or leaving one on hi lawn for him to pick up? Just sayin'. It's rue and all, but I wouldn't get my knickers in a twist over it.

  4. Thankfully, no signs of the perpetrator(s) so far in 2012 - thanks for the advice Foley Monster, and how much do you charge by the hour? :)


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