I have my dog phone set to alert me if there is any new dog news. The alert on the phone sometimes sounds like FFFFFYTTTTTTTTTT, or TOOOOOOOT, or POOOOOOOOP. And sometimes it is Hammertime. “ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew can’t touch this, ew ew ew ew ew ew can’t touch this.” There are two truths about my phone alerts. One is that often, as is the nature of dogs, if there is an alert, a pup has gone to the Bridge to be an angel. The second is that my Mom insists that each alert, even the ones that sounds like Hammertime, are farts. She swears that every time I fart an angel gets it’s wings.
Today I passed gas, I meant got an alert, and it read: “Why a smooch with your pooch could make your teeth fall out! Pet owners warned that dogs can pass on gum disease.” I quickly deleted this from my phone. I could not have my Daddy Lackey reading this. Because my Daddy Lackey’s mouth is my safety zone.
Whenever I am feeling upset, or blue, or he’s brushed his teeth with amazing minty toothpaste, I am on him like a hungry man on a Christmas ham. After five or ten or 35 minutes of this I am calm and ready to relax. If I lose this outlet I am going to be a nervous wreck.
Frankly the article is quite insulting. It states that our parents can get gum disease from us. Please! Have you ever seen the way human’s kiss? If they can't transmit diseases to one another from such activity then how could we transmit diseases to them? What’s that Pocket? There is a link you think I should read about how humans transmit diseases to one another? I don’t have time to read it. I’m on a roll here.
The article also states we pass on dangerous bacteria to our humans. Ridiculous! Has any human noticed how we drink? We immerse our entire face in a bowl of water. What is a better way to wash away bacteria than with water? If anything we should be concerned about what they put in their mouths. Really, I may have looked like I was sleeping while they were watching their late night movies but I was doing it with one I open and there are some mornings after a night of movie watching that I tell Pocket “DON’T KISS MOMMY!”
Then there are a list of things that could happen after we give our humans a “disease.” Like all things you read on the web they end with your teeth falling out and then death. Even worse the humans could give us diseases. I certainly will be paying attention to my parents’ oral hygiene habits. I have no problem giving them kisses but I don’t want to get sick from them.
As I reached the bottom of the article it became the same rhetoric we have been reading for years from Big Toothbrush. We should have our teeth brushed, cleaned, polished, be-dezzled, yada, yada, yada. I am not going to become a slave to the corporate politics of the dog tooth brush industry. Whenever I get my teeth brushed by even a finger I snort, bark, sneeze, shake, and dry heave. Pocket enters a deep depression and spends the rest of the night reading Kafka. Mommy and Daddy tried dental foam too with similar results. We don’t do chew bones either because Mommy and Daddy are afraid we will choke on them. We have been chewing Hartz Dental Hearts because they are small. They might not do a great job at cleaning our teeth but hopefully they will keep me from passing any terrible diseases on to Daddy. Maybe I should have him chew some.
So, in this household, I am going to continue to lick my Daddy Lackey, and make sure he keeps his mouth clean for both of us. The article did say the elderly are the most susceptible to catching an oral disease from a dog so when Daddy becomes elderly, in another 20 years or so, I might give him a break and back off. But until then it’s licks away.