Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Foley Monster Finds There is Such a Thing As Too Much Dog Human Personal Displays of Affection

I, Foley Monster, am a well known believer in the rights of dogs and their owners to share a close relationship, including kissing, snuggling together in bed at night, and being inseparable.  I recently became aware of a 44 year old California woman, Teri Graham, who shares my beliefs.  I am now going to let you read my live text chat with her and her bulldog Spider.

Foley Monster:  Hello Mrs. Graham and welcome to you and Spider.  I would like to say, as an advocate of public displays of affection between dogs and humans I fully support your interactions with Spider.

Mrs Graham:  Thank you Foley I wish more people shared your perspective.  There have been a lot of people judging us and I don’t think that’s fair.

Foley Monster:  Neither do I.  Now why don’t you explain to everyone how you publicly display your affection for Spider.

Mrs Graham:  First let me give you a little background.  Spider was the runt of her litter.  She couldn’t get to her Mother’s teats.  Then I noticed that she was licking the nipple of my son’s bottle.

Foley Monster:  Oh, that is so sweet, so you bottle fed Spider and she got the proper nutrients.

Mrs Graham:  No I decided to breastfeed her.

Foley Monster:  Well that is terrific, wait, what?

Mrs Graham:  I breastfeed her.

Foley Monster:  Your daughter, you mean, Spider inspired you to breastfeed your daughter.

Mrs Graham:  No I breast feed my dog Spider.  Here is a picture.

Foley Monster.  Um, well, um, that’s just terrific.  Um, Spider, how do you feel about this?

Spider:  I like boobies.

Foley Monster:  I hope so, you certainly have enough of one there.  Mrs. Graham, did you feel that you should breastfeed Spider because you breast feed your kids and she is just as much apart of the family as your kids?

Mrs Graham:  No, I never breastfed my kids.

Foley Monster:  Oh for God sakes woman throw me a bone here.

Spider:  I like boobies.

Foley Monster:  Yeah, you’ve made that pretty clear Spider.

Mrs Graham:  My children do watch me breastfeed Spider.  They are amazed.

Foley Monster:  That’s one of the words I would have used.  Now, Spider must be a pup, once Zhe is older are you going to wean her off.

Spider:  I am two years old.

Foley Monster:  In dog years?

Mrs Graham:  No I have been breast feeding him for two years.

Foley Monster:  Two years?  That’s like 14 years old in dog time.  You got a teenager swinging off your nipples there lady.  Put the nipples away and give her a Frosty Paw.

Mrs Graham:  Foley, I thought you would support me in my public display of affection for my dog.

Foley Monster:  I do, but I got to agree with Mayor Bloomberg on this one, we have to eliminate the Big Gulp.  You’ve got to get Spider off the sweets.

Spider:  Sweet, sweet boobies.

Foley Monster:  Yes, Spider, get off the boobies.

Spider:  Hey mind your business there.  This is between my Mom and me and her wonderfully sweet milk.

Mrs Graham:  This is not just for Spider.  Breastfeeding Spider makes me feel like a complete woman and a better mother.

Pocket Dog:  Mrs Graham.  Pocket Dog here.  I am Foley’s sister.  She is outside gagging.  I was just wondering, do Spider’s teeth bother you?

Mrs Graham:  No, she is very considerate.  Her tongue tickles and I do feel her teeth but she latches on in a way that they don't hurt me.

Spider:  You don’t bite the tit that feeds you.

Pocket:  Let me check with my Mom to see if we can do it.  I’ll be right back.

Foley Monster:  I am back.  Mommy is washing Pocket’s mouth with soup.  She just did it for me to get the taste of this interview out of my mouth and she’s doing it to Pocket for suggesting she breastfeed too.  As for you, Mrs. Graham and Spider, I am going to let you go.

Spider:  Good, I am hungry.

Mrs Graham:  I don’t judge you for kissing your Daddy Foley don’t judge me.

Foley Monster:  I won’t Mrs Graham but remember I kiss my Daddy, I don’t bite his tongue and feed off of him like a vampire dog.  Good night.  And for those of you who think that this was another twisted story from my sick imagination check this out.


  1. You can't make stuff like that up.

  2. Yikes we are lost for words. Have a terrific Thursday.
    Best wishes Molly

  3. Too much information! We're barkless.

    XXXOOO Daisy, Bella & Roxy

  4. Ein Fekakta! Oy vey! What mishugas!!! I can't even find words in English.

  5. What the woof?! I can not believe the things some people come up with? This don't even know what, but it's NOT NORMAL.