Dear Aunt Foley: I would like to know why it is that our mom and dad's feel the need to pick up our poo after we have relieved ourselves. I mean if I so much look at another dog's poo my mom throws hysterics - but there she is, quite happy to shout at dad to go pick my poo up before it's even been allowed to cool. Don't they realise I am just leaving my calling card to warn the neighbourhood that I was there OR what they are doing is an invasion of my privacy (not the least to say disgusting!)
(I would have also loved to ask why they also feel the need to defecate in MY 'water bowl' too but as I don't drink from that vessel in the bathroom, I can't BOL)
Yours, Mr Bemused from London
Dear Mr Bemused: Humans are poo obsessed and I am afraid I can’t tell you why. Personally I think it’s a sick obsession. Once I got bored, found a wax ear plug and ate it. When I pooed these long strings of wax came out. If was cool. But Daddy thought they were worms. He and Mommy dissected my poo. They took pictures of it and sent it through the tubes that make up the Internet to Aunt Jodi. They spent an entire night on one stool until they figured out it was wax. It was my poo They had no right to post it on the Internet. I was violated in a way only Jennifer Lawrence could understand.
And now Pocket is getting the fecal exam. Every three or four days, after breakfast, Pocket has diarrhea. She goes two or three times, blows everything out, and is fine for a few days. Now I lived with my parents for 13 years. The bathroom is right off the bedroom, where I slept, where I came to play with my toys. I heard what went on in there and I don’t believe that any human in my house went more than three days without almost blowing a hole in the back of the toilet. But no one cared. Just flushed it away. But they watch Pockett’s poop like she’s giving birth. They rejoice when it’s a good poo poo and get very upset when it’s a bad poo poo. Pocket doesn’t care. She just poos, looks for the flush handles, doesn’t see one, and looks for food. But my parents study Pocket’s poo, then decide what they should feed her, if she needs some supplements, if they should change the food. One night Daddy was on his hands and knees studying the poo. The next morning, after a good poo, he brought it in to show Mommy like it was a prized possession. Their entire life revolves around her poop. Luckily Pocket has had three good poo days so hopefully the examining is over.
But their own poop? Well first of all, while they show ours to everyone, and bring it to the vet’s without our permission they don’t want anyone to take theirs. “I don’t give a $hit” I hear them say. They have the $hit, but they are not giving it to anyone. “And I’m not taking their $hit” they yell. Well, why would they want to (even though they have no problem taking our $hit.) There are $hit storms, people up to heir neck in $hit, the $hits hitting the fan, they wonder who gives a $hit while apparently the answer is everyone. They have to stop being so obsessed with $hit. Really, the humans have to get their $hit together.
And you are so right, we go on the lawn, they run out there and pick it up. Another dog goes in our yard and they clutch one another and look at it in fear like someone just dumped plutonium in the middle to their property. They even put up signs of dogs in the squat position with the word no through it so dogs won’t go in their yard. I think people should carry these around and when someone says something obvious they can hold them up because they literally mean “No $hit.”
As for our water bowl, I could never reach it, but River can and she says what they do to a bowl of water is a disgrace. But don’t ask them to move it. They will tell you the don’t “give a $hit.”