River Song Escape Artist

This is my crate as it was found on Saturday February 12, 2016.

 I had been placed inside this crate when my Mom went out shopping with me Dad that afternoon.  When my parents got home I was standing at the kitchen window barking my head off.  They went into the bedroom and found the crate looking exactly it looked when I was placed into it.  The question is:  How did I manage to escape?

The only explanation is that I am the Harry Houdini of dogs (which should not be a surprise since we are both from European countries that no one can find on a map.)  I was placed in a crate, with the doors locked and bungeed tightly shut and I escaped leaving no evidence of the point of escape.  As a magician I am bound by our code not to tell you how I did it.  

But if you really want to know OK.

I will now take you inside the mind of the world’s greatest dog magician as she attempts to make her escape.

“OK back legs push, push, I got my head through and oops  I’m choking…..I’m choking….I didn’t think this through….Push...Push….Ok I got my neck out and keep pushing, OK it is above my shoulders and now lift my legs and uh oh….uh oh...I got nothing left to push with…..Let me reach with my front paws…..I got the the edge of the crate….Now pull…..pull….OK I am past my ribs and ouch!!!!!Oh boy that metal is cold on my tummy…..OK I can do this….pull….pull….Good things I have been doing 10 minute abs….pull…..pull….I am almost out….All that’s left is my…..Oh my!!!!!Oh that is not part of my body I want sandwiched between two pieces of metal….One more pull.”

And I was free.  I will let Pocket take it from here.

“In 2016, River Song escaped from her crate. All they found of her was a set of paw prints, some stretched bungee, and a wedged door, damn near worn down to the nub. I remember thinking it would take a dog six hundred years to crawl through an opening like that. Old River did it in less than twenty minutes. Oh, River loved crawling. AI imagine it appealed to her grumpy nature. An ice age here, million years of mountain building there. Forcing a door open is the study of pressure and time. That's all it takes really, pressure, and time. That, and a big goddamn head. Like I said, in crate a dog will do most anything to keep her mind occupied. Turns out River's favorite hobby was banging her wall with her head, a little bit at a time. I guess after Foley went to the Bridge, River decided she'd been here just about crate enough.  River did likes she was told, crawled into her crate with a big smile. Her parents simply didn't notice. Neither did I... I mean, seriously, how often do you really look at a dog’s crate ? River crawled to freedom through five feet of metal smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to. Five feet... that's the length of no football fields, not even a mile.”

There is nothing like the sweet taste of freedom.