River Song: Trained Porn Sniffing Dog

 While Mommy is making breakfast in the morning, I educate myself.  I get on the table, turn on her I pad, and search for dog news.

        Recently I came across a fascinating article.  Dogs are trained to sniff computers in search of the unique smells hard drives emit when they are extra hard.  Or, in other words, when they contain porn.

        I thought:  “Now here is a job right up my alley.”  During my wild upbringing in Florida, I became an unwed mother.  I made several mistakes, which has made me the lollipop I am today.          

        Somewhere on the Internet is my sex tape.  I don’t think anyone has found it yet.  One day, when I was outside doing my business, my neighbor was sitting on his patio, searching his laptop.  I heard a familiar pant.  I broke free of my harness and ran to my neighbor.  On his computer was a video of two dogs I did not know having sex.  Nothing strange there.  I don’t know why he looked so guilty.

        When I read about porn sniffing dogs, I knew I could find my sex tape without having to keep trolling doggy porno sites.  First I had to take an online course on porn sniffing.  Luckily, while Trump University no longer offers humans classes, it has gone to the dogs.  I enrolled immediately.

        Six years later I had a glossy picture of the Great Pumpkin and me, and the ability to sniff out porn from any computer.

        When I received my degree in the mail, I immediately put my nose to the test.  I went to daddy’s computer and was overwhelmed with the scent of downloaded pornography.  “J Accuse!”  I barked.  I clicked on the offending material exposing his sins.  “I don’t know how it got there!” Daddy said.  “It must have been attached to an email I opened.  I had no idea.”

        I did not have any luck finding my video until I got to my groomers where Suede now lives.  I sniffed the computer and immediately caught the familiar scent.  I waited until they were fussing over Pocket and I clicked on the porno, and there was my tape.  I barked at Suede asking him what our tape was doing on the computer.

        “I don’t know how it got there!” Suede said.  “It must have been attached to an email I opened.  I had no idea.”

        Men!  He promised there was only one copy, and I had destroyed it, but I know you can’t trust a man when it comes to smut.

        If you see me around your computer, don’t be alarmed.  I am still on a quest to find all the copies of my tape.

        I can’t let my fine degree go to waste.