Thursday, April 13, 2017

River Song Finds Spring

After eight months of winter, I had finally reached my freezing point.  I wanted spring, and I wanted it now.
After three winters in the Northeast I have learned what brings spring:  Flowers.  I was sick of the flowers staying in the ground.  It was time for a flower pep talk.
One morning Pocket and I were brought out on our leads for an opening pee.  Pocket sniffed around the grass looking for the proper spot.  I slipped into the garden and looked down at the flowers.
“Alright you lazy bums,” I barked.  “You listen to me.  It is time for you to stop hiding under the ground and show yourselves.  I know the world is a scary place and none of us know if the sun is going to rise tomorrow but if I have to be here then so do you.  So help me God, if I don’t see some buds tomorrow, I am digging you up myself.”  Then I peed on them like a blackmailing Russian hooker.
The next morning I revisited the garden.  I didn’t see any sprouts.  I was ready to lay paw into the garden.  Then I saw one tiny shoot.  “Who are you?” I asked.
“I’m Bob,” the shoot said.
“Hi Bob, where are your friends?”
“They sent me out first to see how things are.  It’s kind of cold here.”
“Of course it’s cold.  You flowers drive the cold away.”
“No, we don’t.  We wait for the warm to come up.”
“Hey!  I’m no arguing semantics here.  Tomorrow I want to see more of you little shoots, or I am introducing you to my front paws Lou, and my back paws Seal and you do not want to meet Lou Seal.”
The next morning there were a few more shoots but not enough to make winter flee.  “What is your problem?” I asked.  
“We’re still cold,” he said.
“Listen, you need to get your act together and start sprouting you bunch of pansies!”
“Actually we’re lilacs.”
“Don’t sass me!” I yelled, peed, and went back in the house.
A couple of mornings later the flowers were in bloom.  I thanked them.  The next day it was warm and sunny.   As I passed the flowers I told them that I was right, they did bring the sun and warm weather.  As I was walking away, I thought I heard one of them call me a dumb dog.  I showed them Lou and Seal to quiet them.
To my neighbors in the Northeast, I want you to know that you don’t have to thank me for bringing the warm weather.  Just remember you owe me.


  1. Russian hookers, Lou and Seal, you don't mess around.

  2. Well done!! It's Autumn here, but we'll remember your lesson for next Spring!

  3. We had some hyacinths blooming about a month ago, way too early, then the cold came back and they didn't last long. Now we are hoping Mom gets some flowers for the pots - hmmmm, will Misty leave them alone?

    Woos - Lightning and Misty

  4. BOL! We love that! And our dad is called Bob too!

    Your Pals,

    Murphy & Stanley

  5. OMD OMD you did a FABULOUS JOB... THANK YOU. until BETTER Paid. Just sayin'.

  6. Today at the side of the house were these very vibrant and unusual flowers of a blue lilac color I'd never seen before. I don't know if it was bulbs my husband put in (he tends to the garden, I prefer baking). But it was joyous to see.

  7. BOL! OMD, you crack me up! Ma loved the blackmailing Russian hooker, I loved Lou and Seal (did you knows that the SF Giants mascot is named Lou Seal?? He's a seal..duh.☺) Anyhu, thanks for all your hard work bringing spring to your neck of the woods...if only it would stop raining here, we could start to grow something other than mold.
    Ruby ♥

  8. hahaha thanks to you for bringing the sunshine to me too :o)

  9. BOL - glad you made the flowers bring the sunshine back. They are trying hard here in the UK too to get Spring under way. Nose licks and love from Moth xxx

  10. We got the sunshine. We got the daffodils. We got the peonies and hostas sending up shoots. But no lilacs. Those bloom in May around here. The Rochester Flower City Lilac festival usually starts on Mother's Day. Most often it rains the entire week of the festival and the lilacs laugh about it. Yep. Lilacs can be quite stubborn and spiteful.

  11. Thank you River for telling those flower what for!
    Mr Bailey, Hazel & Mabel