Tails From Rainbow Bridge: Poop Rules

Even here at Rainbow Bridge, we dogs enjoy a nice walk with a human.  I like to sit in the park and watch the reunited humans and dogs happily walking together.  Sometimes I join them.  Walks at the Bridge are a lot safer.  There are no cars, no wild animals, no threat of injury, and most importantly, no poop.

Poop is the real problem.  When we walk we poop.  For centuries this was not a problem.  But humans have got real civilized over the last 100 years, and now there are lots of rules about poop.

Humans don’t even call it poop.  I know many dogs, and some humans, Lutheran, and non, have sensitive ears.  If you are one such human, please stop reading now.  And if you are a person offended by what I write remember these are your rules.

The first human poop rule is that they don’t, except in polite circles, call it poop.  Humans call it shit.  And man, there are lots of shit rules.

Rule #1:  I don’t give a shit.

Rule #2:  I don’t take any shit.

These are hard rules for dog walkers.  When you are a human, who walks a dog you literally have to take shit.  Not take a shit.  That is a dirty thing to do.  The difference between take shit and take a shit is one little letter, but it is a critical letter.  That letter is the difference between being a good pet parent/neighbor and being a public pariah who goes to prison for a term and then has to have everyone in his neighborhood sign a paper before he can move in.  That is why I think poop bags should just be referred to as “A.”  You do not want to forget the A while you are walking and you don’t want to forget the poop bag.  Combining them into one term is expedient.

Rule #3:  Don’t take my shit.

As a dog, the opposite is our greatest desire.  We want you to take our shit.  Please.  If you don’t then the neighbors are going to yell at us.  But humans are very possessive of their shit.  I don’t know what they do with it.  Maybe when they reach the immortal world, they take their shit with them, and they are rewarded with some prize.  This must be true because I have also heard whoever dies with the most shit wins,

There are even times when the shit hits the fan.  This is a terrible idea, even to us dogs, and we like shit.  We roll in it, we are even inclined to eat it, but we don’t want someone to hold it up to a fan and spray it on us.  I don’t even know where this phrase came from.  Maybe some overheated sewer worked was attempting to cool off.

A Dutch company may be making it easier for the shit to hit the fan.  They are in the process of testing dog drones.  They are two drones, one in the air, which detects the shit, and the other on the ground the scoops the shit.  If this invention comes to fruition than it is just a matter of time until they eliminate the ground drone and the flying drone lands and picks up the shit.

But this will only lead to new rules like “Don’t fly your shit into my head." 

Of course, this being a human invention, the drone is bound to malfunction, the storage unit opening prematurely, and its contents being caught in the propellers, literally causing the shit to hit the fan.

Personally, from a dog’s perspective, looking at the entire world, I can say with some certainty that humans have bigger shit to worry about than shit.

But they will keep making shitty rules.  I guess that is part of being human.