I know it is essential that we go to sleep on Christmas Eve and not see Santa. This Christmas, I saw him by accident and inadvertently caused the biggest Christmas controversy since Rudolph and the lamb.
I was tucked in bed, snuggled between Daddy and River Song when I heard Mommy giggle. I am a naturally curious animal, so I got down and walked into the living room to see what was so amusing. That is when I witnessed Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe. I decided to go back to bed and pretend it was a dream.
The next day I tried to keep it a secret, but that was impossible. I had seen Santa! I wanted to bark it from the rooftop. Finally, I broke down and told River, but she didn’t believe me. “I did it!” I insisted. “Mommy was kissing him under the mistletoe last night!”
“How’s that?” Daddy said.
Of all the times for him to start listening to me, it had to be now. Daddy looked at Mommy. “Pocket says she saw you kissing Santa Claus last night.”
Mommy blanched. “Did you want him to kiss you?” Daddy pressed.
“Not really, but he is Santa, so I thought I had to.” I knew Mommy was lying, but it was one of those little white lies about cheating on your husband that is harmless and soon forgotten. The rest of the day, I could tell Daddy was upset. I tried to sit with him, but not even I could cure his agitation. He opened his laptop. I caught a glimpse of the screen. It was a Santa review page called Ho! Most of the comments were from kids who did not get what they wanted. But Daddy wrote something different:
“Last night, Santa forced himself on my wife and made her kiss him. Has anyone had a similar experience?”
He sat back and watched the comments pour in, mostly from husbands whose wives told them they were forced to kiss Santa too. There were several damning comments from T. Grinch @Mount Crumpet. Within an hour, #Santatoo was a trending topic in the United States.
Poor Santa! People were starting to question him. Why was he showering gifts on strange women? Why did he think it was alright to sneak down the chimney and into people’s houses in the middle of the night? And who watches you when you are sleeping? It was creepy.
Santa made a rare appearance on the View. He said kissing women was his way of thanking them for the cookies and milk. “Just because a woman is kind enough to give you a cookie doesn’t give you the right to grope her!" Whoopi yelled. "Have you ever kissed a man for giving you his cookies?"
"Once in the 60s," he replied. "but it was a different time back then."
“I hear you keep a nice list,” Joy Behar said in a voice dripping with disgust. “Is this how you judge women?”
“Let me clear this up,” Santa explained. “My nice list is composed of little girls.” The crowd gasped. “Oh no,” he tried to correct himself. “There are little boys on the list too.” The boos grew louder.
Debra Messing, who was the guest co-host, asked if she would be on the nice list.
“Of course not,” Santa said. “You’re a jew.”
Oh, Santa! He was in big trouble. He went to the North Pole in disgrace. People were speculating that he was Roger Ailes in disguise. Mrs. Claus moved out. Women were getting restraining orders against him. What had I started?
I hope this all blows over by next year. I don’t want to be the dog who ruined Christmas.