The Ruby Rose Report: Coats for Ferals

I was talking to Pablo, the feral cat who sleeps in our crawl space at night and leaves us half-digested mice as payment, about the recent cold, freezing rain, and snow snap we suffered through (me more than anyone, even though  I don't step outside during standard time, the snow covers my green grass and causes me unrest. Pablo asked if we could keep the heat a little higher at night, which I sadly told him was impossible since I live with vampires. I asked him if he had a jacket, and he said no, none of the ferals do.

Above all else, I am a charitable dog and always willing to devote my time (free/gratis) to a worthy cause. From my perch, I can see dogs walking down the roads, all wearing spiffy, warm coats. I realized that the ones wearing the coats, who live in warm houses, least need the coats. That is why I am starting my coats for ferals campaign.

The first step is for people who live in areas populated by ferals to buy coats.

Then, you wait for a feral to show itself. It is essential to follow the next steps precisely, and I have given you ways to tell if you have.

When you see the cat, approach it carefully and reach down to grab it. If it hisses at you and runs away, you have done it correctly.

Secondly, grab a net, and when the cat reappears, throw it on top of the cat, then wrestle it to free it from the net while attempting to put the coat on. If you have completed part two correctly, you should have (a) face, hands, and arms covered with scratches—a rip in your favorite jacket and a bare-ass cat.

Before attempting another try, see if you can repair the garment. If not, return it to the store and say it exploded in the car, and you are demanding a refund. You will get the money back if the associate registers are under 25.

Once you have acquired a new coat, hide in the bushes for the feral to go by, jump on it, grab it with two hands, and force the neck opening over the cat's head. You will not be able to tell you have done it correctly until you are in the ambulance, with an EMT keeping pressure on your jugular vein, and one of the medics says: "Don't that cat look sharp in his coat."