The Ruby Rose Report: Liberty Bibbity

 

 People know the name Pavlov, but forget the most important soul in his story, his dog Circa.

            The human side of the story is that Dr. Pavlov trained Circa by ringing a bell and then giving him a treat, until he didn’t and the mere sound of the bell caused Circa to salivate.

            Big whoop.

            But the real story is how Circa trained Pavlov to ring the bell when he wanted the treat, and, salivating, was his way of helping Pavlov become famous, and make more money, which meant better food for Circa.

            In dog Circa means: “He who rings the bell.”

            Since then, dogs have been one step ahead of their parents, using licks, looks, and love to get treats when we want them. We patted ourselves on the head, safe in the knowledge that simple minded humans are the ones who can be trained. We dogs are above it.

            We happily lived this way until the curse of Liberty Mutual.

            I don’t pay attention to whatever banal entertainment my parents watch on the TV. I might bark if a dog comes on the screen, just to be polite, but one day I heard the theme for Emu and Doug, stood up, and watched the bee boo, the most fascinating creature I had ever seen.

             The show is unpredictable. It just pops up in the middle of the other shows. At first I would stop what I was doing to see what they were up to, but one day, after a riveting episode where Limu drives off, I realized that I was no longer in control. Whenever I hear the Liberty Mutual theme I drop what I am doing, transfixed, and unable to turn away. I even watch the episodes that don’t feature Limu and Doug, but random characters standing in front of the Statue of Liberty doing nothing interesting.

            I don’t know who to talk to about my addiction, or what is the purpose, although it does make me want to adopt a large flightless bird.

            I lay up at night wonderingn if Doug is being replaced, how Limu will react, and if the stupid dog walking lady ever got her dogs back.

            I feel like Circa trained by that damn bell, but I don’t get food. And unlike Circa, I am not controlling when the Emu comes on. I am glad I don’t. I don’t think one person should wield that kind of power.  

            I hope I can overcome my obsession and can ignore the siren call of “Liberty, liberty, liberty” and escape this hellish cult before I stop eating to watch.

            Once that happens there is no hope.