The Ruby Rose Report: The Broken Recliner

 

I love sitting in my reclining chairs. I can either lean against the back of it or lie at the foot. I even do it alone, something I believe is called masterchairin.

Last week I lost one of my reclining chairs.

Daddy was sitting in it, when there was a crack, and the back of the chair, on one side, became loose, almost swallowing him up, like a lazy Jonah watching The Good Doctor.

Let me stress it did not break because he is overweight, it broke because he has a fat ass.

First, he tried to fix it, reminding me of a child trying to staunch his father’s belly wound. There were no survivors.

My parents don’t have a basement, so they propped the broken chair in the corner, thinking no one would notice like the Buckets thought no one noticed the grandparents in bed in the living room performing a manage a four.

The sensible thing to do would be to go to a furniture shop and buy a chair, but my parents think they are smart, which makes no room for sense. So, they ordered a chair online.

Clothes, furniture, wine, and brides are four things you shouldn’t order online: But they did.

In the two days it took the chair to arrive my Dad sat in the electric chair recliner. I think it was made for mass murderers who want to be executed in repose. It is not that comfortable, but it does go up and down on its own, and vibrates so to my almost shut-in parents it’s like a ride at a Hooters located at Universal Studios. After sitting in it for a day he said what my mom said when he proposed: “It’s not what I want, but it will do.”

They could not cancel the chair, so it arrived in a huge box. I regretted we would not be able to see him put it together the 87,000-piece unit failing so often he would spend the night curled up on the hard floor.

It’s more comfortable than the electric recliner.

It was good that it was easily returnable, just bring it into Nat King Kohl. Nat will take anything.

But, the box wouldn’t fit in the car, so Daddy, took it apart, jammed it in with the collapsed box, drove to Nat’s place, took it out of the car, piled it into shopping carts, and then decided to check on how to return it, and saw that by no means should it be returned to Nat’s house, but should be left in the box, and it will be picked up.

So, Daddy returned home, took the box out of the car, put 87,000 strips of tape on the box, and then put it all back in the box, then left it to be picked up

Daddy went inside and fell asleep in the electric recliner.

At least he learned what you have to do to make it comfortable.