Saturday, December 5, 2009

The horrific terror of our yearly Chistmas Card photo shoot

Well my loving slope-nosed parents annual exercise in futility occurred exactly on schedule this year as they tried to pose my squiggly sister and I in our yearly Christmas card photo. It would have been personally more enjoyable to me, and reached the same conclusion, if they had joined hands and banged their heads against the wall.

This year their artistic vision led them to place us on the bed. Our bed! Where we sleep! Where our children come and play with their toys! Now I am very used to having my photo taken, being absolutely precious and everything. But Pocket, she’s not so much a fan of having her picture taken. She trembled so much on the bed I thought someone slipped a quarter in her butt to make it vibrate.

Now personally I think we rocked those pictures. We laid down on command, we looked right in the camera, we were beautiful. But then Mom-“Annie Leibovitz”-my announced she did not like the headboard as a background. Didn’t like the headboard? She’s been sleeping with her head on that board for years. She just realized it wasn’t Christmas card worthy? Plus: I am pretty sure in one of them you can see Pocket’s nipple.

So we moved downstairs to the landing. The landing on the stairs is a great picture spot. The photographer stands up, and they’re on eye level with us. It’s very hard to not obtain your goal: unless you’re my Mommy or Daddy, or a Red Sox GM who insists on signing middle aged Venezuelan shortstops with limited range (wow, where’d that come from? I must be channeling a frustrated Red Sox fan at the bridge again.)

Then, get this, Daddy says to me, “well you two are certainly no Hattie Maes.” Well that stuck in my paw. First of all, no one is Hattie Mae, she is our diva, and no dog takes a better picture than her, so the comparison is unfair. Secondly, I am happy they were taking pictures of pups and not their daughters. I would hate for Daddy to say to his daughter: “Well, you’re certainly no Taylor Swift. Your nose is too big, your hair has no body, and your eyes are too close together. Guess we’ll have to buy cards at Wal-Mart with the parents of other ugly children.”

So then we moved to the recliner, and this part I really enjoyed, because by now Mommy and Daddy were frustrated and tired, and they do what they always do when they are frustrated and tired. They humiliated Pocket.

In a state of extreme panic they got the antlers with the bell hanging on it and slipped it on her head. (They know better than to pull that shiz-nit on me. Zoe’s caption on this week’s funny was totally accurate: I’m a dog dammit.) Pocket began shaking so much the chair was rocking back and forth, or it was rocking back and forth because I was lying on my back laughing. Daddy then got a couple of stuffed Pooh Bears (calm down lollipops, Winnie the Pooh Bears dressed in Christmas costumes, not Pocket’s Vicks stuffed with fluff and sold on line) and put them in front of us then began taking pictures again.

I was having so much fun. Mommy’s was kneeling, and Mommy, with her two bad knees, and other strict rules, does not kneel for anyone. She was taking the pictures, and Daddy stood behind us trying to keep our attention focused on the camera, by acting like a complete ass.

Here’s the thing: When Mommy and Daddy are taking your picture, look away, and out of the corner of your eye watch the one who is supposed to be keeping your attention, in this case Daddy, dance, squeak things, cluck like a chicken, and otherwise humiliate himself more than a Yorkie forced to wear antlers.

Tonight they went through the pictures. They finally decided to go with….none of them. Again, they are unhappy with the backdrop. I looked up at them and said “Well, you two are certainly no Hattie Mae’s Mom. I guess we’ll go to Wal-Mart and buy our Christmas cards with the rest of the dogs who have parents who don’t know a good picture background from a hole in the ground.

So we’re going to try again: Hopefully with a better backdrop. I know you’d love to see the pictures, but since Mommy and Daddy haven’t ruled out which picture they will be using, they don’t want to post them yet. But once a decision has been reached we’ll be posting all of them.

I have to get a good night’s sleep tonight, I’m going to be up posing tomorrow next to a trembling Yorkie and I need my beauty rest. Wish me luck.

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