Saturday, March 3, 2012

Best in show? I say no

Pocket and I have watched the Westminster Kennel Club Dog show over and over and we have to tell you, we don’t get it.  When they line up those dogs for best in breed every dog looks exactly the same.  Where do we celebrate our individuality?

Pocket and I are in the Toy Group.  We are not happy about this.  We are not toys.  We are street smart, tough, small dogs.    If you pick us up do we squeak?  Well, OK, we do, but that is besides the point.  Do children fall in love with us instantly and want to play with us?  OK, that’s another yes.  When we sit very still in the window do people mistake us for fluffy toys?  Well, yes, true.  Maybe you can change it to the Rugged Toy Group.

Here are the breed characteristics for us Yorkies”

To be best in show I would have to have long hair.  Sorry Ringo.  This isn’t for me.  I don’t want to get my long snarls brushed every day.  And gosh knows what I would pick up on my walk.  And when I vick, how do I keep the hair out?   Do I have to walk on my front legs.  The whole long hair thing seems like a bad idea to me.  I don’t know why short haired Yorkies can’t be considered.  Personally I think both Pocket and I are beautiful dogs with short hair.  It says we should hold ourhead high and have an appearance of self-importance.  I think I have that one under control.  

My head is supposed to be flat on top.  I don’t know what that means.  Am I supposed to walk around with a book on my head?   When I am at the groomers, and I bark that a dog is a flat head, it’s not a compliment.  My teeth are a problem, I’m missing a few.  Plus I have an over bite.  It is actually one of my best features because it makes my tongue stick out.   I don’t know how Pocket’s bite is except it hurt likes heck.  The nose needs to be black.  What other color could it be?  Well it could be brown because we have either eaten something we shouldn’t or really want Mom to like us.  Our eyes need to be sparkling with a sharp intelligent expression.  I think we have nice eyes.  But does it mean anything if our blog is sparkling with sharp intelligent expression  Also out eyes should be carried erect.  But if your eyes stay erect for more than four hours call your vet.

Our bodies are supposed to be well proportioned and compact.  Well, I’m well proportioned and Pocket is compact.  Our shoulders should be the same height as our rump.  I am going to have to find my Suzanne Somers video to make that happen.  

It states our forelegs should be straight, our elbows either in nor out.  Excuse me:  But to be best is show I have to have elbows on my legs?  I think not.   Our hind legs stifles should be bent.  What the hell is a stifle, and why was Archie Bunker always ordering Edith to get him one>  Have you ever gone to the vet and told him you had an ache in your stifle?  How are you supposed to bend a body part we don’t know we have?  We also should have black toenails.  But what about my pedicures?  What lollipop would choose best in show over great nails?   Our declaws are also removed.  I have to ask:  If best in show is the best breed standard, why all the cosmetic surgery?

Our tail is to be docked to a medium length.  OK, this is where I waive the tail feather.  Yorkie tails are beautiful, leave us alone and let us fly our freak flag.  There is something wrong with a people who will dock your tail but leave your reproductives in place.  Then again there is something wrong with cutting off our reproductives and not docking our tail.  You people can’t wait to snip and clip can you?  It is like you all have Edward Scissorhand envy.  New  rule between dog and man:  You don’t clip and we don’t nip.  Or better yet you don’t dock and we won’t talk about your little clock.

Quality, texture and quantity of coat are of prime importance which are all things my Daddy said didn’t matter.  Our hair must be straight, not wavy, which is a real blow to the doggy mousse industry.  The rules say it should be floor length. Look, I like to clean the floor with my tongue but I’m not a swifter.  Oh and I should have a bow in my hair.  Why should I have to get myself dressed up pretty?  What am I some sweet harlot looking to pick up a Johnny Fun Time?  Personally I love our short haired looks.  Frankly I don’t have time to do my hair in the morning.

Puppies are born black and tan and are normally darker in body color, which makes Rick Santorum want to vomit.  The color of our hair continues to be important through life.  When I was in my rebellious age, three through five, I had a pink Mohawk.  That really set back my show dog career..  The richness of the tan on our head is important so apparently we need to resemble a drat of Guinness.  Also we need to be a dark steel-blue not a silver blue.  Personally I have had the I lost my ovaries blue for a long time.

Color on Body
Our blues have to extend over our body from the neck to the root of our tale.  Note:  In 1967 BB King had a top then hit with How Blue is My Tail?

I don’t want to know what this means.  And I don’t want to know.  When I was Queen Yorkie in France I was know for saying “Let them eat kibble.”  Lots of pups lost their head of that one but I escape with mine.  

Chest and Legs
I’m not sure what they are going for here but I am sure implants are not appreciated.
Must not exceed seven pounds.  I don’t agree with this at all.  I think we are creating bulimic pups.  I weigh slightly over seven pounds.  Let’s here it for all the real lollipops with curves.  Woof, woof.

So neither Pocket or I will ever be best in show.  But we’re best in our house.  I don’t have a problem with show dogs.  They all seem like good pups to me.  But to our owners we don’t need a list of rules about what makes us perfect.  They know we are all truly perfect at heart.


  1. I confess, I never thought much about Yorkie tails! I quite enjoy your freak flag ;)

  2. Love your opinions on the Westminster votes and I am with you all the way on every single one of them! I especially love your take on Westminster's rule on coat length and you summed it up best when you barked, "Look, I like to clean the floor with my tongue but I’m not a swifter." In my opinion, the rules are way too strict and a lot are ridiculous! I don't think I would be able to keep my job as a judge for too long because I'd be way too opinionated! Great, funny post as always!