After many years of toiling on small dog cases I have the chance to represent a pup in a major case. My client is Sierra. She is a gentle and sweet Swiss Mountain dog. Her Daddy, Russ Berkman, won tickets to something called The Masters. From what I understand this is a golf tournament. For those of you who don’t know golf is a hideous waste of time that takes our Daddies away from us. It’s when they go to a big, beautiful, meadow, with trees, ponds and bridges, and instead of taking us they take big metal sticks and spend all day whacking their balls. Imagine the fun we could have with them: running after the sticks or balls, rolling on the grass, lying in the sun, going poopy in those little holes, swimming in the ponds. Frankly I think this golf is some sort of temporary Zombie possession. “Must hit ball. Must hit ball.” If they aren’t playing golf they are watching it on TV . You’ve seen it. You catch a glimpse of the white ball against the blue sky and for a second you want to chase it and then you realize it’s on TV (if you have a cat in the house, you laugh at the poor kitty as it swats at the ball.)
Even worse than that is when Daddies go to watch other men hit the ball with their shafts on the nice green grass, where, needless to say, we are not allowed. I could put up with the whole thing if we were allowed to stand on the cool grass with them, but no, we might pee on their precious field, and what anarchy that would cause. This is why, all in all, pups prefer Moms. They teach us when we are young to pee on the lawn then don’t mess with us by telling us not to.
Now on to my client: Sierra. Her Daddy won tickets to go waste his time standing around watching men hit the ball in a field that is half a country away. Again, Daddies!! Traveling across the country to do something that they could see down the street. Now somehow, while Sierra was home alone, with the tickets, they got eaten, and I have been hired to prove she is not at fault.
I have a number of possible defenses:
1. Entrapment: The Daddy left the tickets behind, maybe enticing Sierra with some barbeque sauce lightly brushed on them, to get her to eat them. Once they were eaten it filled her Daddy’s need for glory. He got on the news, got interviewed, and became a minor celebrity. All it took was to trick Sierra into eating his tickets.
2. Alternate entrapment theory: Her Mommy, not wanting her Daddy to go to the golf tournament, put peanut butter on the tickets and had Sierra eat them. She expected Sierra to eat all the tickets not leaving a trace but did not use enough peanut butter. Like most Moms she takes Sierra out and she could get rid of the remaining evidence when she took her out to do her business. Unfortunately her plan failed for lack of peanut butter.
3. Sierra was acting in her Daddy’s best interests: These golf tournaments can be dangerous places. He could get hit by a flying Tiger Woods’ slice, a flying Tiger Woods’ club, or a flying Tiger Woods’ hooker. Sierra was doing what dogs do best, protecting her Dad. She should be praised instead of being chastised.
4. She was taking a stand for dogs everywhere. Men should not be allowed on nice green fields with ponds and trees without dogs. This is a clear case of discrimination. The Masters have had problems with discrimination. We are the final frontier. Let dogs into Augusta! We stand united.
Either that or I’ll claim insanity from a bad case of rabies.