River and the Cat Stylist

One morning this week I woke and was very happy to find we were in the midst of a January thaw.  I got my driving cap, put a cigar in my mouth, got behind the wheel of my little convertible, and went for a drive

.

I drove down the street waving to girls who wanted to be me and the boys who wanted to be with me.  I was feeling hungry and decided to hit my favorite bar.  I pulled into the Petco parking lot and headed over to the treat bar to look at their selection of treats.

I was helping myself to some faux chocolate chip cookies when I saw a cat being groomed in the salon.  I had never seen such a thing.  I hopped down and went into the salon, ignoring the associate’s pleas to extinguish my stogie,  I pleasantly inquired why the cat was getting a spa treatment.

I was told my questions would not be answered if I continued to flaunt their no smoking policy.  I dropped my cigar, stepped on it, and slightly burned the bottom of my paw.  I howled in pain.  The spa manager soothed with a minty balm but angered me with her snarky comment about not getting hurt if I followed the rules.

I ignored her barb.  I would tweet my revenge upon returning home, like a mature adult.  “Why are you grooming a cat?” I demanded.

The cat turned towards me.  “Excuse me dog, but I have the right to be groomed as much as you do, and I have my own cat stylist, Rochelle, to work on me.”

Cat stylist?  “You have a special groomer just for a cat?” I asked.

“Of course,” the cat said.  “I would never let a dog groomer touch me.  Gross!”

Well, this improperly frosted my biscuits.  I jumped on the counter to confront the snappy pussy.  For some reason, security grabbed me and tossed me from the bar.  My third of the week.  And they called me mom to pick me up.  How humiliating.  I would be up all night tweeting about the incident:  “Failing Petco hiring special groomers for cats.  Unfair to dogs!  Sad.”  That would tweet them.

And I got in trouble with my mom for taking the car and smoking to boot.  This is what cats getting special groomer has done.  

Cats groomers!  What is next?  Squirrel hairdressers.

I fear for our country.