Wanted: One Griffon Toucher.
I, River Song, am in need of a Griffon toucher. This is a person who would, when needed, touch, rub, scratch or hold me.
The toucher needs not work after midnight. That is bed time. When it is bed time, I have two humans I can lie against if it I want to be touched. Sometimes there is so much human touch I move to the center of the bed where I am untouched. Even a dog who loves touching like me has to say “OK, enough with the touching,” at some point.
The toucher would need to come to my house at 7:00 AM. We rarely get up that early, but it does happen. If we are not up, you can make yourself breakfast, watch TV, and do whatever finger exercises you need to do to prepare for your day of touching.
At some point, we will get out of bed. I don’t know why we get out of bed. I would be in bed all day if I could. I am like Grampa Joe from Willie Wonka. He was in bed all day, and he was glad. Then one day selfish Charlie drags him out of bed and makes him go to the freaking chocolate factory where he got really bad gas and had to burp himself down because it was a kid’s movie and he wasn’t allowed to fart. Then Charlie ends up being given the Chocolate Factory because, for some unexplained reason, Willie wants to retire at 35, which should have been a clue that running a Chocolate Factory is no box of chocolates, and now poor Grampa Joe is running the factory because they don’t allow a nine-year-old to do that, he has Trump on his butt because the Oompa Loompas are illegal immigrants and he only gets three hours of bedtime a night. So never get out of bed
Sorry. It seems like I went off on a tangent again. I do that. I hope that does not discourage you from being a toucher.
When we get up, and mommy is making breakfast, and daddy is showering, I need to be touched. This touching will go on through their breakfast, then stop while I am eating, because I don’t like to be touched while I am eating, and will continue for the rest of the day when I am not on one of my parents’ laps or being touched by one of them. Your job description is if, at any point during the day, you see me not being touched, to touch me, and to stop when I am touched by one of my parents again.
(Notes: No kissing involved unless I initiate it. Since this job involves so much touching you will have to obtain an HR waiver before working with me.)
If you are interested in the job, please state your wishes in the comment section. My assistant Pocket Dog will be in touch with you.
Thank you from one severely under touched Griffon.