Friday, May 17, 2019
Foley Test Drives A Crow Body and Gets in Trouble at Home Depot
When I was asked to test fly one of the new 2019 bird models, I hoped I would get something cool like a bright red cardinal, a pretty hummingbird, or even a sweet singing Robin.
I got a plain Crow.
Getting a bird body is like reserving a rental at the airport. You may ask for a Lexus but end up with a ten-year-old Hyundai with no air conditioning. The crow is the bird equivalent of a ten-year-old Hyundai.
I had to test drive it in the Northeast on a cold drizzly day. I hate getting my wings wet. When you are a Crow, a single raindrop can be a deluge. Also, I found out the brakes were faulty after I flew into a tree.
I was about to abandon my test fly when I saw a Home Depot on the horizon. I set course for the garden department. I flew in the open doors and perched above the entrance that connected to the main store. When shoppers walked thru I flew into the safety of the store.
I don't know why humans find these places useful, but if you test flying a bird body on a cold day, there is no better spot. You can soar unimpeded to the rafters without having to worry about a bigger bird picking you off. You can sit high above the humans and enjoy the spectacle of their shopping. And if you get tired, you can stretch your wings and fly for as long as you want.
I found a sweet, warm spot in a vent. I shut my eyes and fell asleep.
When I woke up, I was hungry. I saw a young associate by the cash register with a plate of carrots and hummus. Would I be so bold?
I waited until she wasn't paying attention then swooped down. I flawlessly grabbed the carrot and flew back up to my perch; I gave a caw of triumph, and I looked down. The girl was staring up at me with malicious intent.
She grabbed a net from the swim section. I laughed. Did she think she could catch me with a net? I was up for the challenge. I dove towards her. She waved the net but came nowhere near catching me. I flew back to my perch cawing.
She disappeared and came back with another net. She taped the two ends together, so She had two nets on opposite sides of the pole.
It was time to teach this whippersnapper a lesson. I flew around the store and then came at the girl with high speed. At the last second, I pulled up. Suddenly, this girl became Arya Stark. She was twirling the nets around like she been born to be a bird catcher. She trapped me inside.
She screamed. I cawed. I fought and struggled inside the net. Thankfully it was a cheap Home Depot net. I found a tear and used my claws to open it wider then I flew out. I went back to my perch, scared, and exhausted.
I looked down at her, and she looked up at me. We nodded to one another. Two worthy competitors were acknowledging the other. When the doors opened, I flew out and brought the bird body back to Rainbow Bridge.
I hope one day to return to Home Depot with a better body. One sleek and aerodynamic. Then I will face off with the bird catcher again in, and I shall be triumphant, or my name isn't Foley the victorious.