Thursday, September 19, 2019

River and the Brown Grass

My parents are obsessed with their yard.  Every inch is well-manicured with carefully selected flowers blooming in their five gardens.  They try to keep their lawn free of weeds, which is difficult because their careless neighbors on either side have more weeds than grass. If you flew a drone over our house, you could see where one lawn ends and the others begin.  Our lawn is a bright green, and our neighbor’s yard a dull yellow. My parents spread chemicals on the lawn four times a year, trying to hinder the approaching weeds. 

I don’t like chemicals.  We are not allowed on our grass after it is treated.  We have to wait for the rain.  What good is having a lawn if you can’t use it as a bathroom?  We trek over to the neighbors and pee on their dead grass and weeds which I don’t like, because of the splash factor.

I try to tell Daddy that he has to be careful when he puts down the treatment.  If he puts too much, it burns the lawn. But he doesn't listen. Even though we have a small yard, he insists on using all of the chemicals in the bag because humans have to use everything they buy or they think they have been cheated. 

A week later there were dead spots on our lawn.  I looked at it and thought: “Well, the dummy put down too much chemical,” but somehow it was decided that the spots were caused by Pocket and I peeing on the grass.  Say what? Humans always jump to the wrong conclusion. 

Now that they identified the problem, they were determined to fix it and targeted my precious bodily fluids. Every post they read online suggested giving me an expensive treat to turn my pee into something that would not damage the lawn. 

At first, I was excited.  I am all about solutions that involve treats.  But then I became concerned. If the treat affected my pee, would dogs know it was mine?  Would my message become garbled? I don't want my sniffers to think I am slipping into senility because my pee is on the juice.

Thankfully my mom, who is often the voice of reason, nixed the pill idea.  "I don't want them taking anything like an insecticide," she said. Preach! "I want something we can put on the grass."

Papa went back to the University of Google.  "There really isn't anything beyond using the hose," he said. The hose!  I had not been hosed down since I was a wayward coed on Spring Break seven years ago. I was about to raise a leg in protest when Papa explained it was the grass that would be watered down. 

After all the drama, the solution was water, which was fine with me.  My only involvement will be to watch them foolishly water the lawn after I pee wasting one of our most precious resources.  Perhaps, if they are fortunate, a pee tree will grow there. 

With a little luck, the fertilizer that turned the grass brown will be washed away too. 


  1. we have only brown grass here... although we water it every day... with all the water whats insidde of us BOL

  2. We're afraid that most of our lawn is dirt (drought). However, we've noticed that the yards that look lush and green are the ones with weeds and clover. We may just plant those in future.

  3. We haven't had a problem wif pee spots, but Angel Whitley used to get obsessed wif peeing in ONE spot everytime - dat could be a problem!

  4. Brown grass sure beats yellow snow I think!

  5. The idea of having your pee messages compromised is scary. Good for your mom and common sense.

  6. Stay off that grass!! Our Mom won't let anyone put chemicals on our lawn, and she doesn't care if our pee turns our weeds brown. When we take a neighborhood walk, we're not allowed to walk on any grass that looks too good, like it might have chemicals on it, either. A pee tree, BOL. It would grow up and instead of dropping leaves, it would sprinkle more pee for more to grow. Xox Xena and Lucy

  7. We have a few of those brown spots in our lawn. Hilda pees and then I have to pee in the same spot so it is a double whammy pee!

  8. Our angel Joey dog used to always pee as soon as he got out the door. There was a perpetual dead grass patch in that spot. I, however, pee on ghostwriter's plants instead, much to her disdain!