I have ripped the cover of the story of the century of the week. I know why Prince Harry and Megan Markle have left England for the great woods of Canada. It was not their decision. Their pets wanted to go. In fact, they are already on Vancouver Island waiting for their parents to finish up their royal business and join them.
The Prince and Duchess of Sussex have two dogs, one, a beagle named Max, and an intact pitbull called Grandmaster Pimp Larry. The pittie angered the queen by turning her beloved dogs into cheap hos. Larry told her you could take the Pimp from the street, but you can’t take the street from the pimp.
Even for dogs, there is a right and a wrong way to interact with the Queen. When Max arrived at the castle, he quickly took to the rules: 1) No getting on the Queen’s lap, 2) no jumping on the Queen, 3) no bowel movements anywhere near the Queen. Every time Grandmaster Pimp Larry saw the Queen, he put his head right up her dress, and she said, “Ohhh, that dog!”
The Queen is not Grandmaster Pimp Larry’s most prominent critic at the Palace. That would be Princess Kate. She found Grandmaster Pimp Larry walking around the house, carrying Prince William like he was a squeaky toy. Princess Kate ripped Willam from the Grandmaster’s mouth, threw Prince George on the ground, and told the dog to play with that one. “It’s not like we are going to need it.”
Grandmaster Pimp Larry has a little known cat sister called Pebbles. While the dogs belong to Megan Pebbles is Harry’s kitty. She came into Harry’s life at the same time that his wife did. Some say that Harry loves Pebbles more than anyone else. Pebbles was the first one to grow tired of living at the palace and insisted that Harry move out. She didn’t like being bossed around by the Queen more than normal cats hate being told what to do. That pussy controls everything that Harry says and thinks. Since he first met her Pebbles, he acts like she was the first pussy he has ever seen. Poor Harry has gone from being a carefree playboy to being totally pussy whipped.
Between Pebbles insisting that she did not want to be a royal cat, and the refusal of the family and the staff, to recognize that Pimping Ain’t Easy, (except for Prince Phillip who keeps bringing Grandmaster Pimp Larry into the shower with him to lick the soap off his privates, something he hasn’t had done since Princess Anne got off the funny juice) the animals insisted that the Windsors have fled to the new world where they can all live in peace.
Everyone seemed to be happy until the Queen saw how much less money there was in the royal coffers since her dogs stopped being pimped out. It put quite a dent in the crumpet budget. She has rethought wanting Harry, Megan, and their brood. When Kate complained, the Queen told to to“no one cares Grandmaster raked your boob.”
So the palace is in an uproar, and there are lots of questions that need answering: Will the Queen allow Grandmaster Pimpdaddy Larry to whore out her dogs? Can Larry and Kate live together? Will Harry get the upper hand on Pebbles? And what about Max?
I promise to keep my loyal readers informed of the ongoing scandal.