2019 was the beginning of a dog revolution. Pups were hired to work at hospitals, courtrooms, police stations, libraries, college campuses, airports, anywhere that people were under stress or needed comforting.
Next year I am happy to lead the movement to bring dogs to another needy part of the populace: Assholes.
Did you know that 68% of American families live with an asshole? The number of people affected by assholes jumps to a hundred percent when we include people who watch the news. The asshole problem in the United States has never been greater, and it keeps growing. I am not referring to the complaining, bitchy type of assholes but full-on red-faced, hate-spewing men's assholes.
At the Foley Monster Dog Training School for assholes, we train dogs for two different needs. One for the asshole, and the other for people who are affected by assholes. Humans usually know which dog they need, but if they don't, it is because they are an asshole, and they will get the appropriate dog.
Dogs assigned to help assholes will be trained to sense when the asshole is about to let his asshole flag fly. They will first try to distract and calm the asshole by stopping, sitting, and either nuzzling him or licking his hand. If this does not mollify the asshole, the dog will stand on its back legs and put tender paws on the asshole's thigh or chest. If that method fails, and the asshole is becoming more insufferable, then the dog will bite him. Nothing stops an asshole in mid-ass like a dog bite.
The dogs will wear a bright red vest, signaling that they are an asshole's dog. If the asshole complains that he was bitten, the responding officer will recognize the vest, and tell the injured party that they shouldn’t have been acting like an asshole and excuse the dog.
The vest also acts as an early warning system. When a man approaches with a dog in a red vest, everyone will think, “Here comes an asshole.” If someone gets in a confrontation with a person walking a red vested dog, he will be told: “You knew he was an asshole, and you argued with him anyway. It's your fault."
If you start a fight with an asshole, it makes you an asshole. The good news is that you will soon qualify for a new if somewhat nippy dog So, next year, keep away from the person walking the dog in the red vest. They're an asshole.
Dogs that work with the asshole's family members provide comfort and support. They are excellent listeners. Although they can’t answer the question, “How did I end up with such an asshole?” they can look sympathetically at the speaker and ease the effects of extended time asshole exposure.
We currently have hundreds of dogs in asshole training, but that will only cover a small fraction of the number of assholes presently plaguing society. I urge everyone if they know an asshole, or even someone with asshole tendencies, contact us today by either sending an email to Ilivewithanasshole@gmall.com or calling 1-800-asshole.
With your help, we can end the scourge of assholes in this country and be asshole free by the middle part of the next decade.
Don’t ignore your asshole. Act now!