Thursday, July 2, 2020
Pocket and the Parental Pee Torture
We dogs have a marvelous sense of when something is bothering our parents. If they are sad, we try to act in a manner that will cheer them up. If they are nervous, we must take all the worry out of their minds. Most of the time we try to make things better, but sometimes, just to entertain ourselves, I must admit, we do the opposite.
We are also very adept at identifying when something is physically wrong with our humans. When a dog is specially trained, we can even sniff out cancers and other maladies. We are even being taught how to identify COVID 19 just by the smell. A much better alternative than a footlong Q-Tip up your nose.
We can tell when our humans have minor discomforts too. Sometimes they worry us more than they do them, who can be stubborn. Often, like an experienced diagnostician, we use both physical and psychological clues to determine what is wrong. One of our specialties is telling when our parents have to pee.
If you are like me, a lap dog, you can spot a human in need of pee by a slight tensing in the groin area. If our humans have reached a certain age, from which there is no return, we can hear a slight drip, like from a far off leaky faucet. If we were genuinely serving humans, we would immediately jump down. But we pups have a bit of mischief in our hearts. We recall the number of times our parents made us hold when we had to pee, and, at least for female dogs, payback is a bitch.
When the need for pee expands, we turn to our parents and give them the most content look in our repertoire. They don’t have the heart to disturb us. So they sit, tense their most sensitive muscles, and pray that we might get the urge to jump down soon. Sometimes, if they are crafty, or desperate, they will knock their knuckles on the floor, hoping we will think its the door, but we are not fooled. If I were to work against my species, which I am willing to do, for a price, I would suggest an app on the phone that rings your doorbell. That, and, over time, a sense of compassion, are the only things that will make us get down.
Eventually, we will get down, perhaps out of boredom, or a sense of compassion. What happens next is why you should, once a month, when you have not been let out at your regular time, have an accident on the floor, or even better, on the furniture. Put a nugget in their mind that you might pee on the floor, so, instead of doing the sensible thing, and relieving themselves first, they leash you and take you out, telling themselves it will be quick.
We don’t do this to our mom. The only time she takes us out is when Daddy is out of the house. She’ll just let us pee on the floor, clean it up, and won’t tell Daddy. A little pee never hurt anyone. Unless Daddy has to pee when we do. Then Mommy instructs him that he better take us out first because pee on the floor is the worst thing imaginable. That is when the genuine fun begins.
Because, no matter how badly we need to pee, we know Daddy has to do it more, and he is built differently from us, making his urges more painful. Typically, we pee within a few moments of being taken out, but if we know Daddy has to pee, we sniff around a lot and even do a fake pee, then rise and take more steps. Daddy says: “Please pee, please pee; please pee, for the love of God, will you pee.” Inevitably he will get the idea of peeing on the grass too; what’s a little more pee? But he knows Mommy would be able to tell. She’s a witch, that one.
Finally, we relent and pee. Daddy rushes us into the house. We roll over to make unleashing us as difficult as possible. Then, if Mommy is on the ball when Daddy runs down the hall to go to the bathroom, she is on the throne, making him scurry to the bedroom and use that bathroom.
When you have been locked in the house because of social distancing, this is the most fun we have.