River Song and I have always tussled. It begins with us making snarling noises. Then we get on our back legs and begin trying to bite one another like tiny versions of Godzilla and Mothra. We don’t do much harm. Sometimes, River nips my ear, and that hurts, but that is the most damage we do.
In the past couple of months, our main fighting has occurred in bed at night and consists of River attacking me in my sleep. This not only angers my parents who don’t like being awoken by a fight that sounds like two muskrats having sex, and having to break us up, but it upsets Foley too, who always instructed us to respect the bed as a place of peace.
River doesn’t attack me for no reason. She is very protective of our Mom. She doesn't always sleep snuggled up next to Mommy’s top half, but she doesn’t want anyone else to do it either. She lets me sleep against her below the waist, but anything north of the Mason Dixon is River’s territory. If I get too close, she attacks like the army Lincoln wished he had.
Mommy and Daddy have the same nighttime ritual. They watch Family Feud; then Mommy goes on her tablet while Daddy reads. Mommy falls asleep first, and that is when we take our positions, and River is most likely to strike. It started to become a nightly occurrence.
River is also a lousy waker-upper. When she gets unexpectedly aroused, she lashes out like a drunk arising from the barroom floor. She opens her eyes and lashes out at the first thing she sees, which is usually me. For a week, every time the alarm went off, River jumped me. It was an effective way to make sure my parents didn’t sleep through their wake up time.
While there were no injuries, the situation was becoming untenable. Both my parents were worried that River would push me off the bed, or fall off while charging me. They had two options; the first was to take River on a strenuous training course that would take weeks. The second was bedroom bondage.
When River first lived with us, she behaved the same way. My parents put a leash on her in bed, and when she lunged, she woke them up, and they pulled her back before, or just as, she made contact. After a few weeks of unsatisfied lunges, River curbed her behavior. We don’t know why she started again, but my parents hope the same treatment would work similar magic.
Now, when we go to bed, River is hooked to a four foot leash, and Daddy holds the loop end. Even in his sleep Daddy can feel the loop tighten when River is on the prowl and he yanks her back. The situation is getting better except for two areas.
Every night when Mommy goes to the bathroom just before bed River stares at me like I’m a pork chop. Daddy holds the leash tight. River waits, and waits, then lunges, moves an inch, turns around, looks at Daddy and says “What the Jake?”
The second one is that, when River does successfully lunge, and is yanked back, she loses her balance, and falls, which is when me and my three teeth attack her. You have to make the best of the opportunities the Lord provides you. (Pocket: 316.)
After we fight, and are separated, we approach one another, and begin sniffing all over, as if we were assessing any damage we may have done. Just as suddenly as it began it was over. We are a mysterious duo.
Regardless, River has stopped jumping me when the alarm goes off, and the only time she does is when Mommy gets up in the middle of the night, and that is lessening. She is still intent on a pre-light’s off attack, but as long as she is held she can’t achieve her goals, or give me a chance at retaliation.
While my parents aren’t happy with our behavior they are happy for one thing. They are glad we aren’t bigger.