The Ruvy Rose Report: New Year's Resolution

 

I have been told that a new year is beginning, and it is a time to make resolutions to improve my enjoyment of the following year.

I had to think hard about my resolutions: I have an outstanding life and have often been told that I am a good dog.

In short, I am perfect.

And, even if perfection can not be improved, trying is always appreciated.

I thought long and hard about how I could improve myself and reached my first resolution: I am going to stop eating my poop (or anyone else’s.)

This seems like an easy one, but for us poopaholics, it is challenging.

The best way for humans to stay on the wagon is to keep away from their addictions. But it is more complicated for me. I produce my own poor naturally, tempting me.

Imagine an alcoholic urinating whiskey, calling to him for one more drink.

Or imagine a man who loves cinnamon buns. A new batch comes out of the oven every day, warm, smelling delightful. It would break the strongest-willed people.

Well, my poop comes out of my oven warm and smelling good, at least to me, because, as the great philosopher Carlin once said, our farts don’t’ smell bad.”

I know this addiction, for humans, is disgusting. All I can tell you is: Have you ever eaten kibble? Post-digestion kibble isn’t Too far of a step-down.

I am not a morning dog. I hate getting out of bed and usually leave my appetite under the covers. So, the first poop I had, I didn’t touch, except after a heavy night of poop eating, and I knew a stool of the dog that bit me.

My mid-day poop and after-supper poop, when my appetite is always at ten, is lucky if it hits the ground before I am ready to chow down. My parents know my schedule and try to pick it up before I chow it down.

But sometimes my parents, in their comfortable chairs, see me scurry towards my Poop and pee pads and look at each other like new parents who are tired of getting up to tend to the baby and give one another the side eye, hoping the other move first. If not, the poop bar is open!

Then, I jumped in Daddy’s chair and tried to give him a palette-cleansing kiss. Mommy says: “Serves you right for not picking up the poop.”

So I am declaring my new year’s resolution not to eat poop.

I can do it for a day.

What do you mean? Is it for the whole year?

I can’t stop from eating poop for that long.

No one can.