Saturday, January 1, 2011

2010; A Doggyspace Christmas Carol

It was a bitterly cold Christmas Eve in Northern Virginia as we peer down on a young man hurrying through the festive crowd, who are wishing each other the best of the holidays.  The young man ignored them all, staring down at his blackberry.  He was stopped by an elderly man who asked him if he could donate money to poor children on Christmas.  The young man scribbled the http address of a web site and continued onward.

He came to his front door and searched for his keys.  When he found them he looked at the door and his heart skipped a beat.  His beautiful door knocker had turned into the face of a yellow lab.  "Tanner Bub?" he asked, his voice squeaking in despair.  But the knocker turned back into the @ symbol he had paid an extravagant amount on e-bay to obtain.  He shook his head and wondered if he had too much punch at the Christmas party, which was entirely possible, since he was the only person there.

He entered the house, put down his blackberry and switched to his laptop .  He checked his rating and saw his new site was ranked near the bottom for hits.  The space he created for advertisers was bare.  He went to the refrigerator to get a Corona with a slice of lemon and a Promax bar then sat back down.  His instant message icon was flashing.

He clicked it on a window opened saying he had an instant message from Tanner Bub.  He clicked ignore but the window opened anyway.  "Merry Christmas Levi, it is Tanner Bub from Rainbow Bridge."

"Humbug," Levi said and began to bang on his mouse trying to close the window.  But it would not close.  He tried rebooting his computer but it would not shut down.  His calls to his service provider were rerouted to dogs singing Jingle Bells.  It became obvious to Levi the only way to clear the message from the screen was to answer it.

"Why are you cuntackting me Tanner?" he typed in his unique verbiage.

"One day at Christmas all us pups were gathered under one roof, a roof called Doggyspace.  We were, peaceful, happy and content.  But then your greed took over Levi.  Your need to control all around you.  Happy pups were either driven off or packed up and left on their own.  Soon you packed up and left too leaving those behind at the mercy of the mean and evil profiles who moved in."

"That's caled capittooisim Tanner," Levi typed. "Buy low, sell high, and move on."

"There is more to life then that Levi," Tanner typed.  "Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts showing you Doggyspace past, present, and future.  They will show you the error of your ways."

"Can't do it dude," Levi typed.  "I got a partee tonite at Flashdansers.  Strippin' elfs dude, you should czech it out."

"I'm afraid not," Tanner answered.  "Soon you will be fast asleep and then the ghosts will visit you."

Levi scoffed at the idea as Tanner's IM disappeared to be replaced by Levi's Linkden profile. "Oh this should be interesting," he said.  He was asleep within seconds.

He awoke to the feeling of his pants leg being pulled.  He looked down to see a familiar beagle.  "Do I know you?" he asked.

"It's Pepsi, bitch," the dog said.  "And I'm back."

"Pepsi, what are you doing in my apartment?" he asked.

"I'm the ghost of Doggyspace past, I'm here to bite ankles and chew  rawhide and I'm fresh out of rawhide."

Levi lifted his legs. "Are you going to take me on a tour of my past Christmases to show me the error of my ways?"

"Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do," Pepsi said.  "Because you're the Grinch and I'm Max the dog, you moron.  Just look at the computer screen"

The screen went back to Doggyspace on Christmas Eve in 2008.  "Read the posts, see how everyone is wisihng each other Merry Christmas.  There is Hattie Mae's profile, and Tanner Bub's.  There is Foley and Pocket, Luca, Sam and Junior, Hobo Hudson.  Everyone is laughing and sharing stories.   Then it all changed."

"Yes, but they lacked discipline, the site needed it, you can't eat your pudding until you've finished your meat.  How can you have your pudding when you haven't finished  your meat?"

"You let the power of running the site go to your head." Pepsi said.  "You began to ban members, including the beloved Tanner Bub.  That began a decline in membership and less hits on your site.   If you had not let all the power over take you Levi, every Christmas would have been like that."

"They needed monitoring, they needed expelling Pepsi!" he said looking down.  But Pepsi was no longer there.  On the screen were some of the writings he had recently done for his new web site.  It put him to sleep instantly.

He awoke to see a dog in a dress and cap checking herself in a mirror.  "I just can't get this hat right," she said adjusting it on her head.

"Is that you Hattie Mae?" Levi asked.

She turned around.  "Well of course Levi, we haven't spoken in so long.  Oh, but tonight I am not Hattie Mae, I am the gift of Christmas Present because I'm the best Christmas present anyone could wish for."

"I thought that was Peruvian gold."

"Oh Levi, you're like an old painting you never change," she said.  "Now get ready for a thrill.  For the first time ever you are going to get to view the Tanner Brigade web site."

"Oh, oh, can Princess get a membership?" he asked.

"You have a better chance getting a membership in Mensa,  Now you read some of the posts, I know it will be like waiting for a third grader to read Moby Dick but I've got all night."

Levi read the comments of a close community of dogs wishing each other the best of the holiday season, of those reaching out to help heal both hurt and sick humans and pups, of those trying to get Miss Gina's dogs to their new home.  He got done and looked down at Hattie.  "Where are the ads?" he asked.

"The ads?" Hattie responded.

"How are you making any money from this if there are no ads? There was a woman I took for $8,000 for an ad on DS.  I spent that money on jeans."

Hattie sighed.  "Why don't you look at the comments on DS this Christmas Eve," she said.

The DS screen appeared.  He began reading, slowly.  "They seem quite similar to TB, well wishes and good cheer."

"Let me help you," Hattie said and the screen scrolled until it stopped.  "See these comments, a dog bragging about the number of guns he owns, two dogs arguing about a boy in school, young pups insulting each other, bullying other dogs about their profiles, what do you think of that?"

"I would have to see how much they paid for their membership fee before I decide," Levi said.  Hattie growled at him.

"This may take more than three ghosts," she said.

"This activity has nothing do with me," Levi said.  "I have already sold the site before it occurred."

"And let's check in on what the new owners are doing this Christmas Eve in Texas," Hattie said.

The screen showed a You Tube video of a man eating pretzels and watching TV.  "Laura," the ex-president yelled "the kid has his tongue stuck to the pole again!  That's the fourth time tonight he's done that.  How stupid can you be?"

"George, come in here for dinner right now," his wife said.  "And did you check on that all dog social network I bought you for Christmas?  You promised me if I got it for you that you would watch it.

"I don't need to check on it.  We will be treated as liberators.  What could go wrong?" he said as the You Tube clip faded from the screen.

Levi looked down but Hattie Mae was gone.  He then looked back up at his computer screen.  "Oh,. the lost Princess blogs from Doggyspace, I shall entertain myself all night by reading these."  Ten seconds later he was fast asleep again.

He woke up to a little dog tugging at his pants leg.  "Who are you little dog?' he asked.

"My name is Fuzzy Bacon," the little dog said.

"Fuzzy Bacon?  I think that was the name of one of the strippers I ordered."

The little dog sunk her teeth into Levi's leg making him yelp.  "Sorry, I'm just a puppy, I haven't learned my manners yet.  OK.  Now I have to remember what 12 taught me to say.  I am the Future of Doggyspace ghosts.  No wait, that wasn't it.  I am the Doggyspace Ghost Future. No, that's not right either.  Darn."

"Is it possible you are the ghost of Doggyspace future?" Levi asked.

"That's the ticket," Fuzzy said.  "Because I am the newest member of the Brigade I have been chose to show you the future."

"Well I have had enough of my night wasted, let me see it."

"First let me show you Doggyspace," he said.  But all that came up on the screen was a notice that the domain name was for sale.

"Well they didn't have a sound business plan," Levi said.

"And maybe you got pups to join the group under false pretenses and then abandoned them all.  I don't know, I'm a new pup, but I don't like what I'm hearing.  Now let's switch to a Facebook account."

Levi was speechless as he stared at his profile.  "Friends zero?  No friends?  What kind of idiot has no friends?" he asked trembling.

"It seems, you," Fuzzy said.

"This is terrible, how did this happen, where are all my friends?" he asked.

"There is one more video you need to see, it's from a surveillance camera across the street from a drive-thru."

Levi saw the man working in the drive-thru.  "Look at that smuck, working on Christmas Eve.  Wait a second," he peers further into the screen.  "Who is the man in that window?  Tell me spirit who is handing out that bag of fries?"  His voice grew more excited.  "Who is that putting ketchup into bags?  Who?  Who?"

Fuzzy held up her skinny paw and the camera zoomed in to see Levi bagging the fries.  "It is me?  Me?  Working in retail fast food?  No friends on Facebook?  Tell me spirit, are these thing to be, or can they be changed?"

Levi slumped down in his chair.  He fell asleep shaking in fear.  He awoke with the first morning light.  He rebooted he computer and saw that it was Christmas day.

He knew the first thing he was going to do.  He went on Pea Pod and ordered a large Christmas Goose.  He then began to hurridly run around the house making plans.  "I will buy back Doggyspace and make it a user friendly site.  I will let the dogs have the freedom to bark what they want to one another.  I won't charge for premium  memberships, in fact I won't charge at all.  I will ask for contributions.  And if I get too many I will put it back in the site.  I will take no money for myself.  Well, maybe a little, for food.  And expenses.  And a car, in fact a few premium memberships won't hurt.  Or all premium memberships, and lots of ads, and dogs who don't pay, can get out.   Yeah.  Lots of money for me.  Letting three ghosts change me.  Nah!"

In a dusty corner of the apartment a recently downloaded Foley sat with Pocket licking her paws.  "What are we going to do now Foley our plan didn't work?" Pocket asked.

"Next year get bigger dogs," she said as she hit the return button and down loaded herself back home


1 comment:

  1. Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving the nice comment. I see this is a big time woofie blog. What kind of woofies are you? I see tiny woofies in your photo at the top. Very cute. I bet you would fit right in with us kitties. We may be even much bigger than you. purrs to you!