Ask Aunt Foley: Butt Scratcher

Dear Aunt Foley:  We are in a pack of three chocolate labs.  We do everything together, play, swim, and nervously wait for Mommy to get home from work.  But on Sunday Mommy got ready like she always does and we three labs planned to wait for her and worry.  But then she took one of us Dodger, and left us behind.  What the Fido?  Why does Mommy prefer Dodger over us?  And is there anything we should be doing to be more like Dodger?  Personally, we don’t think that is possible. - Reba and Lagan

Dear Reba and Logan:  My understanding from my sources is that your Mommy took Dodger because she believed he would be better behaved.  It looks like your Mommy has found a loophole.  In the basic dog/human contract we are supposed to obey their commands.  But us dogs know we can pretty much do what we want.  Unless your humans are heartless what are they going to do?  Take us to the pound or not feed us?  But your Mom has stumbled on something new.  She is awarding one pup for being good.  Instead of getting mad at you for bad behavior she is rewarding the good one.  Diabolical.  I am afraid you have only two options.  You either have to do what Mom says and be able to go places with her or keep on being bad and missing out on private time with Mom.  My advice:  You will probably be able to go alone with Mom once a week but you can be bad everyday so pick the everyday activity.  

Dear Aunt Foley:  I am concerned about the credibility of my local puppy school.
Recently my little sister graduated from the school and we were quite proud of her.
But a few weeks before that I discovered my favorite lamb chop toy had been destroyed.
I never thought of my sister because she was close to being a puppy school graduate  But I put it together when, during her pupdictorian address she began to cough and little bits of fluff came out.  That’s when I realized my sister had killed my lamb chop.  Should I report the local puppy school to the puppy accreditation board?  Shouldn’t a puppy school make sure they do not make their pupdictorian is not a lamb chop killer>  I am very worried about the future of pups going to this school. -Tasha

Dear Tasha:  I am afraid that in the last few years the standard for pup schools has decreased.  Lately it seems if you can stay and not pee you graduate.  I just don’t know if you can pin the death of Lamb Chop on your sister.  Like a lot of bad students she may have been standing under the trees behind the bosses smoking stuffies before class.  That could have been why she coughed fluff.  Either way I do fret for our future pupciety.  I think, despite her personal injury of your toy, you need to teach her right from wrong.  I had to do it with Pocket.  Of course I said the hell with it and let her do what she wanted.  But then again I didn’t have a lamb chop.

Dear Aunt Foley:  Recently the dog my wonderful sister Sierra labeled the Blob has let out a secret about me,  I am a carpet surfer,  That’s right, when my butt itches I scratch it on the rug.,  I don’t leave a trail, I am not a snail, no one follows me with a pail, to clean my tail.  I am not ashamed of being a butt scratcher.  I can reach the area where my balls used to reside but if my butt itches it’s the only way I can scratch the itch.  Isn’t it wrong for the Blob to make fun of me.  Am I a lesser dog because I carpet surf?  If I go over a shard of glass with my butt do I not bleed?  Do I have anything to be ashamed of?  And should I be mad at the blob? - Tiger

Dear Tiger:  I don’t know what to say about Nase.  Once a Blob always a blob.  There is nothing wrong with scratching your butt on the rug unless you leave a snail trail.  Buy like with good ribs there is nothing wrong with a little dry rub.  I tell you, I love having my butt scratched.  Not the Oracle part of my butt but just the bottom.  Nothing like a good butt scratching before bedtime I say.  So scratch it up.  You only live once.
Dear Aunt Foley:  I was just wondering how you are enjoying the Sayonna and Izzy treats I sent you. - Hannah Banana II.

Dear Hannah Banana II :  Oh my gosh those treats are so good.  The sweet potato is unbelievable.  These are the best treats we have ever had,  Don’t get me wrong.  We can be bought.  Send us some free treats and we will say they are great even if the taste like yesterday’s fish.,  But these Hannah Banana treats are wonderful and I thank you so much for them.  Plus your legs taste very good when we hug.  If you ever get close to Hannah, taste her legs.