Dear Aunt Foley: Now that the Super Bowl is over what can you tell me about this deflated ball thing? – Boris
Dear Boris: First full disclosure. My family is from New England and are Patriots fans so I hate those bastards. On Sunday afternoons there is unexpected and unnecessary yelling from September to February which disrupted my napping and relaxation. I would much prefer my parents to have been Jets fans where there is yelling maybe once a year.
Now about the balls. Humans aren’t like boy dogs who can just lick their balls to either clean or deflate them. Humans have to use their hands to deflate their balls.
Now Tom Brady likes his balls deflated but not being bendy enough to deflate his own balls, and being on the field, he needs someone deflate his balls. Apparently a ball boy took Tom’s balls into the bathroom before they were brought out to the field. People think he used that opportunity to deflate Tom’s balls but he could have just washed his own balls. Your balls get dirty playing football. Especially in the mud.
The Patriots have a history of cheating, going back to the Revolutionary War, where they lined up in an illegal formation to shoot the Red Coats from behind trees, and constantly polished their balls to a smaller size so they would slip out of their cannons easily. (I watched the show Sons of Liberty and they had this hunky 30 year old guy playing Samuel Adams. I wouldn’t mind watching him wash his balls I tell ya.)
But the Patriots won the Revolutionary War and they won the Super Bowl so they provided a proper listen to us all. Take care of your balls. Keep them the proper size and keep them clean.
That is the road to success my son!