Thursday, December 14, 2017

A Snowstorm Makes River Reflect on Poop Neutrality

I didn’t sleep well Friday night.  There was something in the air, but I couldn’t figure out what it was.  I was awake before the alarm went off.  When Daddy took me outside, I realized the foul, officious malignancy that had upset my normal sleep pattern.  It was snow.

I spent my first year in Florida surrounded by too many dogs and too few humans.  I have it so much better now.  There are two humans to every sibling.  There is always an open lap.  I get lots of individual attention.  My life could not be better.  Then someone made it snow.

I want nothing to do with it.  Most of the time I find humans pooping and peeing inside a refillable water dish reprehensible.  And they call us animals.  But when there is snow on the ground I wish to join them in this most malicious act.  Move your feet human, for, while I may not be able to lift my privates over the rim I can certainly evacuate next to the porcelain throne.

“Bad girl,” they say when I do the same act they complete several times a day, more so if they have eaten Mexican.  When I am outside, my death of Adam tickling the snow, they insist I pee.  They train us not to pee in the house and most of us (Pocket’s company excluded) learn.  We all become professors of voluntary urine retention.  My bladder could be bursting, but I can stand in the cold and hold my pee barely showing the slightest effort while my parents shiver and shake in the cold.

I could hold out (or in, as the case may be) until I break my parent’s will, we go back inside, and I let the water loose like the Hoover Dam opening, but I inevitably pee because the yellow stain would make my parents more frustrated, and I, like all dogs, have the unconquerable instinct to please them, and making them impatiently stand freezing is revenge enough for not being given equal indoor pee and poop rights.

They say this storm “only” dropped four inches of snow, but when your legs are only three inches high, four is more than enough, especially when you run around without pants on, which is why Harvey Weinstein can’t get a movie funded in Hollywood anymore.

I will not pee without permission, but if the snow persists, I will cinch my bladder tight, and slowly break them, until I gain temporary indoor pee rights, something Pocket claimed by having a weak bladder years ago.

Then peace shall reign throughout the land.

10 comments:

  1. You just made Mom snort white wine out her nose (at which point she'll have to go pee in the bowl again).

    Abby Lab

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so totally with you... humans are a crazy species...
    and we had a storm too... with thunder a lightning. in december! the mama said after 3 thunderstorms the public pools will open their doors... yeah, dream on the mama...

    ReplyDelete
  3. OMD..River, you make SO many good points!!
    xoxo,
    Jakey, Arty & Rosy

    ReplyDelete
  4. We don't like snow either. We try to wait for spring to pee and poop. O wait, it doesn't snow here.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh Dear River - you made us laugh! We make our dad gt an aching back by shoveling and clearing areas and how do we repay him. By trotting way out where there is still snow and doing our business there!
    hugs
    Hazel & Mabel

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hmmm, sounds like you could be a candidate for Timber's pee pads:)

    Seriously we understand how difficult snow can make the necessities of life for smaller pups. Hope you can find a way to make everyone happy.

    Woos - Lightning, Misty, and Timber

    ReplyDelete
  7. We're glad we don't have snow...but Bella uses the back room--the mud/catch-all, verandah or the carport if it is muddy.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have two suggestions: 1. Have your humans sweep the snow away in one spot. A leaf blower might work for that. 2. Have your humans put down a tarp over the grass in one spot before it snows so the snow cannot get in there. Either way you'll have a snow free zone. Me, I don't care if I have to pee or poop on the snow. But if it gets really deep, Dad will shovel out an area by the back door. Hope this helps.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You are hilarious, River. "Poop neutrality". Ha ha!

    ReplyDelete
  10. No snow here but I don't mind going out in the cold to pee and poop...usually...BOL Hope it clears away soon. Nose licks and love from Moth xx

    ReplyDelete