Pissing Contest: The Sequel

When I was a pup, before Foley got us barred from Doggyspace, she published a blog called “The Pissing Contest” chronicling Foley and me peeing on the same spot continually to get the last pee in.  Unfortunately, despite all the good that resulted from us being banned from DS, we lost access to our blogs, including Foley’s magnum opus about pee.

I would never dare to compare my writing ability to my sister, but it has bothered me for most of my life that the pissing contest blog had been dried up by the cold winds of history and I felt compelled to revisit the subject.

So, I present, “Pissing Contest II, a River Runs Through It.”  (I know, how disappointing! There are no original ideas in blogging anymore, just remakes and superhero origin stories.)

In the morning I am the first out of bed.  I accompany Daddy as he holds me with one hand and begins his own “pissing in the water bowl contest” with Mommy.   Mommy usually wins these contests, I guess the older you get, the better at peeing you become because humans sure do it more as they age.  Daddy then brushes his teeth. I like to lick off the excess paste. Then I am taken outside. I find the right spot to leave my first pee-mail, take a few steps, leave a postage paying poop near it, and go inside.

Next is River’s turn.  She can never find my pee.  She says she is not interested in finding it and is just emptying her bladder. Hah!  What dog pees just to relieve their bladder? I wait by the front door for them to return and when they do I go back outside with Daddy to find her pee spot and trump River’s piss.

I sniff her pee out quickly and cover hers, winning the first pee of the day.  Then the competition begins. I pee more time than River so I go out more, but River makes a bigger puddle than I do, so she has the advantage of volume.

I also have the disadvantage of having a smaller bladder.  The real key to this game is being able to hold your pee when you get outside, so your sibling pees first.  Unfortunately, River can hold her pee like a camel. I end up peeing first, but I try to dam the stream before my bladder is empty, then, when River is finished, I, the little squirt, try to leave a little squirt of my own to top River’s.  It is like River’s pee is the magazine, but I am the cover.

Sometimes I will think I have covered River’s pee when she lets out a little topping of her own.  I try to swallow a lot of salivae to stir up at third pee, which seldom works, sometimes I have one more drop in the tank, but usually, a second River pee means victory for her.

Before we go to bed, I demand a short walk before I poop.  I hold my pee until I get up the street. When River goes out after me, she does not want to walk up the road because she is anxious to go to bed.  I claim the final pee victory of the night.

River thinks she wins because she coves the most pee but I have the first and last piss of the day, so I think I win.

There will never be a true winner.  River and I are locked in an eternal battle of urination.  But I have one advantage, I am older, and if I am like mommy, I will have to pee more often, and swamp River’s pee with my own.


There are some good things about getting older.