Monday, April 4, 2022

The mouse that lived in Santa's butt


This is the story of Clarence, the mouse who lived in Santa's ass.

Last year, when my parents were decorating the Christmas tree, they found many of their cloth decorations had been chewed and gutted to create a nest. The further they explored the tub that Clarence had made home, the more they found other evidence of his existence until they reached the bottom, saw Clarence, and had to set him free outside, robbing him of his home.

We had thought, at best, that Clarence had found a new home, and at worse, he was Ugly Joan's Christmas Dinner. But we did not realize the stubborn grey rodent refused to be evicted, moved back into the shed where the tubs were stored, and looked for a new home.

When he got back inside, he found all the tubs had been sealed, so he would not be able to move back there. As he searched, he became despondent as little material was there to build a nest. As it darkened, she noticed a light by this window and saw an automated Santa, looking out the window, holding a candle, and slowly moving. From the outside, it looked like a creepy white-haired man peering outside, but from the inside, it was a place to take refuge from the winter.

Clarence crawled up the wall onto the table where Santa stood, continued up his leg, and found two plastic pillows. He began to pull the stuffing out of Santa's back to build himself a nest between the pillows. When he heard a human come into the shed, Clarence burrowed further into Santa's anus to remain hidden. The merry old elf exclaimed. "Ho! Ho! Ho! Sweet God, Ho!"

No one noticed a rat in his butt, and Santa, per usual, was placed on top of the decorations until the following year. During the late winter and early spring, he expanded on his home, pulling more stuffing out of Santa's back and sticking it up his butt. Clarence had been careless, like all teenagers doing butt stuff in a shed, and was discovered, with equal consequences.

Santa was examined, and while his upper half was still usable, his bottom half was problematic. Santa's value plummets when there is the possibility of a mouse sticking its head out of Santa's ass and scaring the children.

Santa was unceremoniously tossed into the trash. It was unknown if Clarence was still in the butt when his host was dumped, but I am sure he will make his way out and search for a new home in no time.

The Easter Bunny needs to be aware.


  1. we LOVE that story!!!! we have coffee on the keyboard butt anyway... please write a children book, it will become more famous than the hairy potter....

  2. Dang, a home at the North Pole sure didn't work out!

  3. river....thiz storree iz HILL LARRY UZ !!!!!

    984 PAWZ up outta a poss abull 10.....bravo :) ☺☺♥♥

  4. Hmmm... That is one weird holiday story!!

  5. That is a crazy-___ (fill in the blanks!) story!


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