The Ruby Rose Report: The Scarecrow Invasioin

 

As soon as the weather turns colder they invade, taking positions in yards, in front of fences, or gardens. They are made of straw, with fixed expressions of terror on their faces standing as still as Beefeater. I am the only one who can see them. I am certainly the only one bothered.

They arrive in their spaceships, which take the form of pumpkins and are always nearby in case they need to flee. Some of them announce their intentions with horrific faces carved into their ships. The most outrageous of them even leave a fire burning in their them, or, if they are being economical, an orange light.

While we sleep they go on their killing rampage, either taking the lives of humans, as evidenced by the skeletons they leave rotting in the yard, the straw that the victims that were once their brethren is strewn about as a warning to others.

I have been studying them to learn their wicked ways. I believe, when they age, they shrivel up so small they are put into plant holders, at least the females, because they call the potted plants their mums.

What kind of race puts their mums in planters?

They are growing in nummers. They incubate in the hay, tightly compacted bales, that they keep nearby too, until they need reinforcements.

We can take action against their bodies but it will not stop them because their brains can exist outside their bodies in units they call gourds.

 They feed off our vegetation and can eviscerate our trees leaving nothing but stalks that they again, show of as a warning to the other trees that resistance is futile. The same is true of corn. Their kernels are turned into different colors, and hung on doors, for the scarecrows to eat.

When they conquer a land they hang their flags on front doors. They are shaped as wreaths composed of brown, orange and red leaves and flowers. They are a signal. If you come to this house we will knock the stuffing out of you.

The invasion will continue until the end of October, at which point they will get into their pumpkins and leave, before the invasion of snowmen, reindeers, and Santa.

And people will continue to turn a blind eye to the invasion. 

But not us dogs, we are always on patrol, barking our warnings, even if our parents tell us it is nothing.

We know better.