The Ruby Rose Report: Saving the Pets of Springfield

 

I was gathering questions for my Ask Miss Ruby blog when I found one with the heading: “They are eating the dogs.”

It was signed by Jethro Dumbledore from Ohio. I contacted him via dreams and he told me that Martians were eating the dogs and cats of Springfield. Jethro Dumbledore said they need a dog like me, small, lean, mean, and unappetizing. 

Using Foley’s secret codes I uploaded myself to Ground Zero of the pet-eating scandal, Springfield Ohio, where I was met by Jethro Dumbledore and I ordered him to take me to the Martians.

“They’re Haitians,” Jethro said.

They must be some Martian splinter group, but it made no difference, they needed to be stopped.

We saw them standing on a street corner. They didn’t look like aliens to me, and they weren’t cooking pets. A dog was lying at a Hatians's feet. I wondered if the man was Hanibal Lecter having the dog over for dinner. I asked the dog if he was about to be eaten and the dog laughed. “Don’t be silly, these people are very kind to dogs, I am well taken care of, and they make sure I eat before them.”

“Probably fattening it up,” Jethro Dumbledore said. Then he yelped and pointed: “There is one eating dog now.”

“Where, next to the Haitian eating a foot long?”

“Oh my God!” Jethro Dumbledore exclaimed, “They are eating pigs!”

I tried to assure him that eating [pig was normal behavior. “What about the cats, they are being stolen and eaten.”

Behind us, a cat scoffed. “We won’t let them touch us, never mind eat us,” it said, then spat at us. “Tourists!!”

I was prepared to tell Jethro, who was, apparent to me now, not the sharpest dog in the kennel, that he had been duped when Jethro began sniffing.

“I smell them cooking geese, owls, and chickens.”

“There’s a Popeye’s on the corner.”

“I didn’t know Popeye’s Haitian,” Jethro said dumbfounded.

“He’s not, who filled your head with these crazy,” I asked.

“I saw it on TV.”

‘Someone said they had their pet stolen on TV?”

“Well, no. I saw a man say he saw a person who knows a person who had a friend whose pet was taken.”

My friend Jethro Dumbledore, who had created a huge controversy over nothing, was simple-minded, uninformed, and easily led astray. His fears of being removed from his family and sent to the Bridge were strong and were exploited.

So please, dogs and cats, don’t listen to what comes out of the TV, and make sure your parents don’t either, or it will surely cause unrest.

(No dogs or cats were eaten during the production of this blog._